:)

It's been a very rough week. I am elated...not I am ELATED that this week is coming to a close. Summer is over so someone needs to tell the sun that it is time to turn the heat down. Getting ready to go to school. So far so good, I am about 4 weeks into a 16 week semester. So it's all good!! I just wrote a lengthy email, so I forgot what I was going to say. I guess I'll get back to it later. Have to go finish getting ready for school.

Ho hum....that's what I feel like

School is going well go far, but my mental and physical is suffering. Im depressed and tired and I have gained 10+ pounds. For the past 2 days I have changed, or shall I say...made an effort to change my eating habits. I have also vowed to stop drinking for at least a week and see if I can see a significant dip in that number on the scale. Instead of gorging myself on tasty treats, I eat a smaller portion. I like to snack. So I keep cheerios on me. I think I eat out of habit, it's something to do with my hands and it is crunchy, double win there. Drinking more water as well, some of this has to be water weight. My skin is going down hill as well, I am 35 and I am developing acne. Not a good look. Even more reason for me to stay in my little cocoon. Everything is not bad, and I am grateful to God that I have the ability to rebound. Hopefully I wont be down for long.

Almost done

In the last class of the day. Hoping to leave early. Want to get a pedicure but I doubt I will have enough time to do so. I feel so odd. So out of place. It's like I am not in sync with whatever path I'm supposed to be. I'm always looking for a deeper meaning or connection. Class it's starting...

Blah

Feeling a little down, not to down but down all the same. I need to get my mind right for the rest of the week. I did my hair I'm feeling better about that. Tomorrow I have a geography test so I need to study but of course I'll do so right the test. Okay I'm done, taking my medicine then I'll knock out

Ugh

No meat for a week. I need to cleanse. Mind body and soul. Starting tomorrow, I won't eat any meat...one by one, I'll things until I get back to 157 lbs

It's time

I'm about to attempt yet another diet. I've crossed my danger mark by two pounds. So instead of eating like I usually do. I'm to try to eat smaller portions through out the day with plenty of water. I'll weigh next Saturday to see if it's working. Small changes make a difference!

growth

I realize I'm not taking very good care of myself. I am going to try to give up alcohol for a few days and focus on drinking water instead. My bad habits are catching up to me. I don't tolerate liquor that well these days. I stopped drinking liquor to drink beer. Stopped beer to drink wine, now I'm stopping all together for a few days. I'm thinking I may be in the beginning stages of a bladder infection due to dehydration, that's how I know I quite possibly have gone to far.
     I am trying to see things through different eyes. There is so much negativity within me that I want to do what I can to turn some of those dark thoughts into positive ones. I have experienced so much pain and heartache. I want to try to locate the good in those memories so that I can hold on to some of them. I am trying to roll with the feelings, acknowledge them and move on to something better. All the poison is not gone. Can't skip any steps in the healing process. I think that most people not experience the emotion and fast track to being healed, okay, whole again. Deep pain is usually experienced over a length of time, and therefore so also must the healing process be experienced over a length of time. There is so much that I feel is out of my grasp, most of it is things I'm not sure if I want, if I can have or deal with. Either way I have to experience life, and in those moments, while I move on...I learn what I need. I have some emotional voids that I need to deal with. Right now I am damaged goods. I would love to be in a place where I could nurture a relationship, but right now I need to invest in myself.
To be continued: