Ugh a little

I'm just a little frustrated today.  Getting ready get the kids, come home,  take a nap.  Wake up... cook dinner.  Get the kids ready for bed and myself  ready for school tomorrow.  Maybe if it cools off enough I can take the kids to the park. We shall see

done!

Just finished my essay. I think I will go over it again tonight and tweak it but for now i need to walk away from it. I will also probably get my business class homework done for the week so that I have more time to focus on English class. I have also decided to fall back, once again. I am tired of having to figure a man out. Either you like me or you dont. I realize all things are not cut and dry for men, but still. We all are held responsible for our actions. I have the courage to say what's on my mind, all it takes is a little acknowledgement. It's cool though. No skin off my back. I am an extrodinary women. I admit I am intrigued...but that's about it. Even that will wear off soon. Time to clean up....

Dating 101

Relationships are so hard to form these days. Everyone is so withdrawn and impersonal. Texting has replaced phone calls, and hardly anyone makes eye contact anymore. Dating is so full of miscommunication it's ridiculous! No one knows why or what anyone is doing . Lord please help me move gracefully through this stage. I'd like companionship, but there's too many  uncertainties. No one wants to say where they stand, and they want you to show your hand way before they will consider showing there's. This blows...

Up

I feel the need for change. The kind you heal from. Tired of waiting Lord, not that you don't know what's best, but I am restless in my spirit and not sure what to do. The more I live, the more I want to retreat inside myself and let time pass me by. Instead I put on my smile each day. No different from my earnings or bracelets, an accessory to hide the pain of feeling so insignificant

Gosh...

I am convinced that I am not meant to interact with the male species at all. For one I feel like that if I can't be me and it be respected there is not use. Secondly..in the words of someone else..." I'm an attention whore." I love attention, and with the world being so anti-social, it's hard to come by. Everyone wants to text...no one wants to call. Texting is all well and good, but if your not putting in work it does not matter. Text me good morning, text me goodnight...Don't let me be the only one initiating contact. I am a lot to handle. I am thoroughly convinced that the man that falls for me will be off his rocker. But I am loyal, I am supportive, I am loving, I am encouraging. I think with my heart, but my head is not far behind. I wish there was a scale you could carry with you everywhere you go that lets you know how you are perceived by those you come in contact with. Especially the opposite sex. I have a habit of the first impression being very inaccurate. Most people think I am a prude, judgemental, unapproachable...when really I am the sweetest person anyone can know. Oh well!

Great weekend

Had an AWESOME time last night. I got up early to do the grass, now in back in bed. Not sleepy so I guess I'll go finish my paper even though id much rather sew. Ill figure it out...

The last of "me" time

Stayed in all yesterday. Time to eat breakfast, go for a walk to clear my head, then get cracking on Mondays homework. If I procrastinate on this...I will end up rushing at the last minute and I don't wanna do that to myself.

Friday.....

I had so much fun last night. Didn't make it in until 2:30 am. Stayed in bed until 11, watched a couple of movies. My mind kept shifting toward a dress Idea in my head. About to try and make it a reality.

Tense

Another day, another chance to be thankful. I'm experiencing so much anxiety and I have no idea how to deal with it. Mind is on overdrive, Lord please help me sort out my thoughts and heart.

Intimacy

Intimacy, it allows you to see the side of a person you didn't know existed. Everyone wants it, but no one wants to be vulnerable. Being that close requires a nakedness that goes beyond clothes. It's spiritual, and accepting. It's, eyes open, it's taking each breath together. It's connection, raw and beautiful. I long for it. That place where I can be me...flaws and all. But I'm afraid if it, because in that place I may find myself. And I may not be who I am....

The day thus far

Another school day missed. The plan didnt work out as well as we thought it would so I ended up staying home. Still have much to do today. Cant really get any of it started until around 10. My bubby still feels like crap. Me, I am still very much in my head. I hate how much I get ahead of myself sometimes. I am seriously trying to force myself to do nothing. Then I start to think, Is that really being me. But then I think well I can wait, hold back and be me over time. Either way, I still don't know what to do. So I ask God about the situation, and now I am waiting. Last time I did to much to soon. This time I just need to be patient.

My nap is keeping me up

I AM SUPER WOKE! I need to take my butt to sleep. I guess I will finish off this bottle of wine and watch YouTube until I conk out. I have a lot on my mind. One person in particular, but things as well. I need to figure out what I'm trying to do......

School started today

First day of school cut short because my son is sick. Thank God for good friends man, ones that will step up to watch your sick baby so that you can go to school. I am trying to change my attitude toward this class. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Rise and shine!

Out pretty late last night, now I'm dragging butt. My fun time won't stop me from going to praise the Lord. Time to shower and get dressed. Have to pick up the kids afterward. School starts tomorrow.

Eyes wide open

Who's up at 3 am....me! Time to lay it down.

pretty mellow day

Getting ready to flex my creative muscle and make some shorts I seen online earlier. I did most of what I needed or wanted to do today and even managed to get in a nap. I probably should of BEEN came in here to sew, but I just didn't feel like it. I was supposed to call my cousin, so i guess I will do that now. I kinda want to go get a bottle of wine, but naw.....I'll stay in tonight.

Posted!

Chilling in the parking lot waiting for an appt. After this I don't have much left to do, so I guess it's back home to sew and finishing cleaning....I don't know, I'm looking pretty today, maybe head to the mall....

Morning!

So much to do today, errands to run, things to sew, house to clean. School starts Monday and I want to be ready. I'll get up shortly to shower and change, then time to get on the road!

Clocks winding down...

Almost that time! Bible study and I am teaching tonight. I pray the Lord washes away anything that might hinder me from being used tonight in children's ministry. That I have the patience of Job when it comes to dealing with the kids and that we all have a nice service. Need to get cleaned up and ready to go. I finished Arielle's dress and also made a nice skirt for myself. I plan on making some shorts later tonight.

thoughts for the morning

Kids are dropped off for the morning and I am getting ready to do some things around the house. I promised Arielle I would sew her a dress and I fully expect to deliver. I have be doing some thing since this morning about what my motives might be for doing some things and I think I should just stop all together. I see myself traveling down the same road I have always traveled and I know where it all ends. Not with my happiness thats for sure. Time to re-shift my focus once again. Things will fall in place.

Getting it right.

Got a pork roast in the crock-pot that I marinated yesterday. Whole house smelling real good right now. Had a decent day today, did a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Still trying to talk through these feeling I am having with the Lord. Been dealing with a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I asked God to remove some feelings I have been having. I need to re-position myself, I am tired of dating and interacting with broken men. Maybe it's time I stop being broken myself. Fully ready to step my game up and start doing everything to the max. Put my all in school and sharpening my "woman" skills. There are things that are on my heart to do more of and I can't help but think it is the Holy Spirit urging me to put my focus on the skills that will be important when it is time to match me with a partner. Which is one of the great desires of my heart. I dont want to be some ones safe bet though. Jesus gave up everything to save me, I want I man who will love me despite the fact that I am a little crazy. LOL. In the mean time I think I will continue to focus on my family. I have no clue what the Lord has in store for me, but it has GOT to be better than what I have done with my life so far.

Blah

Not in a great mood right now. Feeling.......on edge. Want to withdrawal big time. Like avoid everyone and thing not totally necessary. Throw away EVERYONE. I keep telling myself it's just a feeling, it'll pass. But it comes back. I think I'll have a night cap.

Tuesday....

I'm tired! Time to get these kids ready for day care. Then I go do what I do until it's time to do my taxi thing this afternoon. School starts Monday, so better get my mind right!

woosah cyndi, woosah

I am so frustrated with people. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything besides sit in my sewing room and listen to music. Times like this I wish I had a companion, someone to give me that tight embrace or to just lay and watch a movie with. But it is not in Gods will for me at this time so I will not waste my time worrying about it. I am about to cut out this pattern for these pants and then make them. Maybe even make a dress for some of the girls. Just need some time alone.

Emotional

I'm experiencing some serious anxiety. I just finished looking through some pictures that sent my heart through a lot of different emotions. I have been telling God some of the things on my heart. Praying that if he sees fit, to either restore the connection or sever it. When I think with more than my heart I feel there is no place for that relationship to develop into anything more than it was. But then I see with my eyes that face, and I remember what it felt like and I am certain that much was not a fabrication. In my fear of looking and feeling inadequate, I maintain my silence and just pray. Asking God that if it's not for me, remove it from my heart. I am trying to allow God's will and not mine. I am reminded that sometimes no answer...Is an answer, and that answer is no. I'll let the tears fall tonight, and hope for peace in the morning.

Sunday Morning

Waiting for my shirt to dry so that I can go to church. I feel kinda sick. I think it's because I have not really eaten and I really hope it passes. I am also very tired. I want to sew but I need to rest. I was supposed to finish the jump suit I started yesterday but I think I should probably wait. I am prayerful to have a good day. God bless us all

Night

Kids are back home, all sleep. I'm tired as well. Getting ready to knock out on the couch. I had a great two days to myself. God is always so good to me and my family. Lord I pray to better understand your love for me.

This is my heart...

 I almost let go so many times, and God held me together by that last little thread I was hanging from. He took that mess and slowly and lovingly began to put together the pieces of my broken spirit.

Evening Time

It's been so long since I have had this much alone time that I do not know what to do with myself. Do I sew until the midnight hour, do I lay around and watch tv, do I clean the whole house? I had a very good day today. Went to see X-Men and have a bite to eat. Now getting ready to finish up a skort I was working on earlier and hopefully make my jumpsuit. I am so concerned about wasting time. I have so much to learn. Before I jump on my sewing machine, time for a one on one with the creator.

What a day

I'm exhausted! Glad today was over. Bible study was awesome. I'm ready to knock out!

My butt hurts

Just finished my nightly batch of ab and glute exercises. Im dog tired but I did um. Time to knock out.