P.O'd

I am so very angry. MEN suck! they are users, selfish little boys who hide behind being "MALE". Being male don't make you a man anymore than boobs make me a woman. I'm so tired...my attitude is changing, i doubt in a good way. Lord help me see what i need to. Your creation disgusts me by their evil, manipulative ways. even my own.

Feeling TERRIBLE

Up at the kids school, waiting to watch this end of the year assembly. I don't feel good, but I do it for them.

Very busy day ahead of me

So much to do today. I was up pretty late last night and now I'm up. About to get these kids up and out. Time waits for no woman.

Been sewing all evening

My latest creation, I also made a skirt

Almost night night time

Getting ready to shut it down. I don't know what to do with myself. I just made a skirt, now I guess I will make something for the kids. I'll take a nice hot shower and  then keep sewing until I get to tired. One more week left for the kids in school. Tomorrow we have church and the girl's have a performance at school, I don't know how we are going to do both, but I guess we will figure it out. Dinner was nice. I made arroz con pollo. It came out arroz con ghetto, but it still tasted really good. Considering I did not eat as much today, I think I will have a bit more. Still feeling a bit low, to many thoughts. But I am praying and asking God to help me.

Falling way back...

Trying out a new nail shop in Rialto, I was in the area, and they have good reviews on yelp. I hope I leave here satisfied. Never had a man do my pedicure that I can recall. Seems weird...what if he has a foot fetish? I'll give him a whirl. I know this message chair is feeling really good. Time to relax....woosah!

New low

Feeling pretty friggin low right now. I know God will bring me out on the other side of this feeling. It's temporary, I need to experience His love, but my heart longs to be loved, accepted and appreciated by a man of flesh and blood. It's not time. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be myself and still love me regardless.

Happy Tuesday

Just dropped of the girls, getting ready to drop off my son, then my mom, then I am off for a long trip downtown L.A. Want to do some fabric shopping among other things. It will be a nice get away. Even if it is just for a couple of hours.

Memorial Day

I better get up and get motivated. These crunches aren't going to do themselves. Things are looking pretty good, and if I step it up a bit, I could add to my 2 pack rather fast lol. I need to get my butt up, but considering that I don't get to sleep in that often, I am trying to enjoy it all I can. Lord give me the strength to get up and do good things for my body. In Jesus name, Amen.

what a blessed day. God is good.

Dinner is cooked, kitchen is clean. Getting ready to de-stress, I am thinking about taking the kids to the park once things cool off a having them do some laps. I think that will be a part of our summer fitness routine. Church was AWESOME, I came home and got my school work in order. I wish I had some wine....I'll be making a store run for that this evening as well. For now, I am drinking lots of water. Gotta make this a good night.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!

Up, ready to go to church. Kids are cleaning and folding laundry. I think we may indulge in some family exercise  today. I wanted to take them to do laps this morning, but sprucing up the house is taking longer than I thought. Depending on the weather, we will do it this evening. Guided I'll go do my ab work out...9 more days of school left for the kids. Then hello summer!!!! Summer semester starts in the middle of June for me though, and I'm going on campus....ugh! Might try to change that.

The perfect place to be...

Sitting at the park, enjoying this beautiful weather. It feels perfectly spring. Wind is blowing warm kisses across my skin. I'm glad we came, I'd be sitting inside the house doing whatever, but I'm glad I made the choice. I was beginning to feel on edge before we left. The park is that perfect place to be, the kids are entertained playing with all the other kids. Me...I can sit here on this bench and just be. No one asking me 15 million questions. Just me and my thoughts. In loving life right now. I did think, in a fleeting moment that this would be nice to share with a companion. But, at this moment, it's all for me.

A bit of wisdom

Bible study was nice, I had to take more of a leadership role, but it was okay. Now, I am feeling a little blue, sometimes...a lot of times, I replace my pain with anger. Just now I'm thinking, ones no better than the other. Bible says, bless those who hurt you. So instead of getting angry, or switching the sad thought for one that brings anger, I ask God to help me forgive them so that I can move forward. God, bless him. Night!

What a day...God knows what he's doing, he doesn't need my help.

I'm low key losing it over here. My thoughts are flooded with questions. Wondering, analyzing, thinking, contemplating. On another note...I guess I better get ready for church tonight. Lord please help me to set aside myself tonight and to give my all to these children in your name, that they may view you correctly and learn about your word. May my doubts, disappointments, fears, anger, hurt and pain released in Jesus name. Going to just chill until it is time to go.

Another week in the paint

It's Thursday! Thank God, I traded shifts with someone do I'm working bible study class tonight. I bought stickers and tootsie pops for the kids. Maybe I should give them pencils instead....idk. Time to get these girls up and out the door.

what a nice day

Completed a dress for one of my girls, now its time to relax in bed with cup of tea and a bit Youtube. Got  some stuff done today. So today was a success. I did good on my detox today, I drank my juice all day, then had brown rice, sauteed spinach and a piece of fish for dinner. Depending on how it goes on day two, I may not eat the small meal at the end of the day. I dont feel hungry. The tea I will be drinking tonight is dieter's tea, I hope it helps the process. Relax time :)

"Operation Evacuation"

Alright!!! I have got this detox thing in full swing. I have not eaten since dinner yesterday. Before bed I got the jump start with drinking a few large glasses of apple juice followed by one this morning. Once I ran all my errands I came home and mixed my sea salt flush which is 2 QTS of warm water...I just used tap water and 1 1/2 tbsp of sea salt. Drank one cup of that and also have a juice  i whipped up with my "Samurai" (bootleg ninja i got from Walmart) the juice has Kale, Spinach, Strawberries, Mango, Blueberries, Apple juice and water in it. Ill be drinking all I want of this all day and repeating drinking a cup of the sea salt and water mixture every 30 minutes. No turning back, I need to do this!!! Since I need to remain in close proximity to the bathroom, I guess I will finish up my school work and study for finals!! I think i feel a rumble in the jungle (gross I know) wo

nt be long now :).

still up

I am about ready to call it a night. I finished the shorts I started earlier, imma be real cure wearing those. I also did my hair. The short feather thing was cute for the two weeks I rocked it, but now i am back to basics with my short do. I am considering adding some color next time. I guess I will lay it down now. Must remember to turn on the washing machine or the kids will have no clean uniforms in the morning. I just did some research on doing another body detox. I am going to ease myself into a three day detox, beginning with a cleanse tomorrow. I dont know whether I am going to use an enema or just do a sea salt flush, but I need to do something. My face broke out a few days ago and that has not happened in quite some time. Just got of my period and while I was going through i consumed an enormous amount of chocolate. I had not eaten candy in a long while before then. So, in the morning, it begins. Three days of ridding my self of the nasty toxins inside me. This should be fun....I say sarcastically, but it needs to be done. I am seriously bloated and constipated, not a good look. If you did not know me, by looking you would think I was pregnant....not cute cyndi....not cute! But I still look good! miles away from 200 lbs, not I just need to hit the mid 170's so I can relax a little. The bikini I ordered should be here in 2 weeks, gotta be ready cause we shall be heading to the beach the weekend of it's arrival. I will me one hot mama!! LOL

Her

Dinner was great, kids are finishing up. I decided to wait until after our meal for the movie. Half way in I'll break out the air popper and pop some popcorn. Considering the long nap I had this morning I will probably be up quite late. My thoughts have been scattered as usual, reminding me to pray more in depth about that. I'm finishing up my book i am reading on being single and christian. It has brought quite a few things to the forefront of my sight. Mistakes, I have made and continue to make in relationships with the opposite sex. Identifying where those mistakes originate and taking the correct steps to ensure it does not continue to happen. I am still on the fence about whether or not I want to get married again. Some days it seems like a good idea, others days I have to realize what I would be subjecting myself to. I will be under the direction of another man, I will have to cook for, clean for, care for, love, motivate, nurture, trust, forgive, another "Man". Am I ready for all of that. I am a broken woman on the road to recovery, and marriage is a decision I can not afford to take lightly. While I don't expect a perfect male, I do expect someone who is in touch with themselves spiritually and emotionally. Not afraid to give of himself and express himself in love. Until then I lean on the Lord. In hopes that one day he may bless my life with the presence of someone who will except me as God created me. Love me, laugh with me, care for, protect, and provide for me.....

peaceful day today

Just finished a pair of shorts for myself. Just have to hem them when I get back from getting the kids. About to put my meatloaf in the oven, get the rug rats, take them to the library and then back home for dinner and a movie. I thought it would be nice to let them watch television with dinner considering they don't really do so during the week. But then again, that is our time to connect and talk so maybe not. Today was relaxing, did most of what I said I would. Everything except fix my chair, which I may attempt this evening.

Moving slow

Just gave myself a pep talk. Time to get my butt in gear!

Let's get it!

Another week begins today. Kids will be done with school in 3 weeks. They stop going and I start. Time to pull myself out of this bed and get to it. These kids don't wake themselves. I think I will start back running today. Well see how it goes.

What a blessed Sunday

Had a great weekend, now sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine. Church was awesome, afterward picked up a few things. Added another cup to my collection of cute wine glasses. Hopefully I'll come across some champagne flutes. Made the kids some popcorn while the get in 15 minutes of before bed television. Did quite a bit of cleaning as well this evening. I try to get it in when I got the energy. My room is still a mess. Tomorrow is lunch with 2 friends. So I won't do so much out and about. Now to enjoy these few minutes with the kids...I'll probably knock out to soon.

what a wonderful weekend

This week has been pretty good so far. Been having an awesome weekend with the kids. Bowling yesterday, and the park and ice cream today. Keeping my head to the sky.

Annoyed

Trying to get these kids dressed to go have some fun, but its not going well. I'm really going to have to force myself out the house.

Happy Saturday

mothers day weekend starts now. Time to get up and make some breakfast, complete with mimosa's. I've been a mother 9 long years, and with God's Grace and Mercy I improve. Time for a great day with my family. We're going to have some fun today!!

Smh

I picked the wrong time to come to the grocery store. It's not really packed but it's slow moving, and the locals are out lol. I'm about ready to pick up my children and take my butt home. Decided to cook enchiladas. Ill let the kids help putting it together. I've got hair to do, I keep promising Averi...it'll get done before Sunday.

Smiling

I like when things get done...on that note I am going to go eat!

Yes! It's Thursday

I'm up! Time to whisk these kids off mine off to school. Then back home for homework, a nap, and quite possibly do my hair. Probably not the latter of the three, but something along those lines. Went to bed early and still woke up tired.

Goodness

Layed out across the kitchen table. I'm pooped! Worn out! Just plain tired.

So fast

I'm angry all ready. No matter how much I clean this house, I never can get it completely together. The girls hardly ever completely finish a task. I'm annoyed, Lord please help me work through these negative feelings. The house doesn't have to be perfect all the time. In Jesus name Amen.

Made it to mid week

Now I just need to get out of bed to wake the kids...let's get this show on the road.

Eating in bed

I just finished my leopard palazzo pants...AND I LOVE THEM!!! There are going to be my mother's day pants. I want to make a red wrap blouse to go with....but I need fabric....and I said I wouldn't buy anymore.....decisions, decisions...I'm going yo get started making something for one of the girls tomorrow. I better get some sleep

Deep thought...

Trying to cook dinner, clean up, plan my nights sewing project. The kids are cleaning there rooms. I don't even really care how clean they get it any more just as long as it doesn't look like a disaster area. For some reason I am on edge this evening and I really don't want to be bothered. Phone's plugged up in another room, and I don't intend on running to answer is someone calls. These are the times I pray about. Today I went into one of my trip's back down memory lane and it really affected me negatively. I made a point to think that in those times I should pray about how I feel and give it to God. Talking about it isn't going to do much and neither is revisiting it. I need to call and make my therapy appointment so that I can learn some more coping skills that will help me work through the pain. I have some serious control, abandonment, and trust issues. I need to learn that everyone isn't out to get me. Though most may be. When God is through with me I want to be able to be part of a relationship where I am not emotionally tied to the other person's actions. I don't want to always be in fear of them either leaving or cheating. I want to be able to live and love in the moment without always being so negative. I need these inner wounds to heal, and as much as I would love to rush the job, I have to be willing to allow it the time it needs but there is work to be done. So I am reading books to help me on the journey, I have therapy and my meds and I have God's word and promise of healing. First I have to let go of the "victim" identity and find me a new one. All my life I have been a victim, and I can't grow anymore. So I shall move forward as a victor. Some one who went through and came out on the other end victorious. Not destined to live the rest of my life as a victim of fear. Fear of men, pain, relationships etc. No more putting my best face forward. I am who I am, and while improvements can be made, I want to be who God created me to be, flaws and all.

Another blessed day.

Really trippy weather up here. Extremely windy, and cold. Just the other day it was super hot. I like this kind of weather though. I am taking a break from cleaning to go for a walk in the park. This will be my exercise for the day. I love this park!

Tonight's sewing project

My first collared shirt a success, this was supposed to be a spring/summer shirt set for buddy...but now that I look at the type of material and colors....it looks like pajamas. Even still I can't wait for him to seer it in the morning. Then ill knife what alterations need to be done. I was going to make my pants tonight but I'm beat. Time to get ready for bed.

Wont He Do It!!!!

God is GOOD!! I was just about to settle in to start a homework assignment that was due today. Right then I got an email from my instructor saying there is an issue with pages missing from the books and that we would get credit for the assignment anyway. That buys ya girl a whole week. So for right now I am about to get my booty on this floor and make my palatzzo pants out of this leopard print material. I thought about making a dress from it but I think that would be a bit much. At least with the pants I can add a blouse, either red or black to break up the print a bit. I am getting the hang of this, I hope to complete my sons sponge bob outfit tonight to. It's early so the night is mine. The kids have to go to bed a whole hour early since they have been cutting up at bed time. I told them  if they can show me that they can be quite and not play when its time to shut it down then I will move their bedtime back to the regular time. For now, I enjoy the evening. I am happy. I grateful to Jesus for all things big and small. I got majority of my errands ran today, so I would say that today is a success. Right now I have a wonderful breeze coming through my bedroom door and I am relaxed. I wouldn't trade this moment for any other right now. Again...God is GOOD!!

Nap Quest

I'm tired. I have hoped in and out of this car since 8 o'clock this morning. I still have stuff to do and I just really don't feel like it. some of this is going to have to wait until tomorrow. it's Monday and everybody is out here trying to get stuff done too. I'm about to try to go home and close my eyes for the next 90 minutes or so.

Thank God it's Monday :-)

Getting the days business underway. Just stopped at Baja Taco for a bite to eat. I'm starving!! After this back to dinning errands, I only have one appointment today, I just might make it home for a nap!! That's wishful thinking.

What a Sunday!!

Waited until the last minute but thank you Jesus, I got all my homework done, and that included writing an essay. With God all things are possible. My day was....very detailed. Church was awesome, once I got home I was so tired I took a nap. I wanted to interact with the kids more, but I was just to worn out. Now, I plan to do some reading, maybe some sewing if I can't go to sleep. I feel like I am on my way, and I am glad about it!! Tomorrow marks only 20 more days left of school for the kids. Once again, thank you Lord for helping us make it through another school year.

I'm so lost....

Nothing I'm doing is working. I keep thinking I've got it all figured it and I don't. I don't know who I am, and who I think I am I don't like. I'm asking God to show me the real me. I'm afraid to see her though. I'm so disappointed by the things and people I try so hard to hold on to. Everything I think I know, I need to let go of immediately. Everyone I think I love I need to let go of. All that makes Cyndi, Cyndi in my eyes needs to be erased. This never-ending cycle of bad relationships and anger. Trying to be who I think I should be. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I wake up every day and begin to tear myself apart. I'm not losing weight fast enough. My hair, my skin, my teeth, my feet....I find every reason I'm not good enough. Time to clean the slate, start over. Instead of pouring out my love on others, I need to give some to me...

A dress for ny youngest

My latest creation for my youngest daughter. I can't wait for her to see it. I did this in about 90 minutes. The pattern I bought was the wrong size. I try to by them the size of my oldest, then just trace the size I needed on transparent paper. But since this one was pretty much her size I just cut it out. I might make one more outfit tonight....but I do have homework to do...

Worth

I'm decided I am on a date with myself. I tried this self dating thing before, but now I'm kicking it up a notch. Thinking back to Wednesday, I really have to talk myself into doing special things for myself. If I don't feel like I'm worth it, then how can I expect anyone else to. I get so caught up on what I can do for others that I neglect myself. So, with that in mind, I had a choice on where to take myself. An okay sushi spot, where the food is cool and the service sucks. Or an upscale sushi spot, where the prices are a little higher, but the level of service is to. Hmmmmm, what is it I deserve. I'd rather be treated well, than to save a buck. Let's dig deeper, I accept crappy treatment from okay people, when I know I deserve so much more. How can I expect God to send me someone who knows my worth when I don't even know. Ive been blessed to have a little extra money. Maybe God wants me to splurge and treat myself, maybe I'm actually on a date with Him! Maybe he loves me so much he wants to show me how special I am. To say here daughter, enjoy yourself. Don't worry, spare no expense, I am your provider. I will make sure your okay. What more could a girl ask for..

Beautiful Saturday

Had a great experience at the women's fellowship meeting at my church. Made some new friends and sisters in Christ. People to help me be accountable on my walk. I want to be a different woman. Not so hard on the exterior but still strong. Now I'm left with the rest of my day Arndt not sure what I'd like to get into. I know I want sushi, maybe a movie...who knows? I better enjoy my time while I have it.

Long night...

Just completed one of many dresses for myself. It came out very pretty. My only complaint is I probably shouldn't have used a striped fabric. I'll take pictures in the morning. I'm going to make the same dress, sleeveless in another fabric I have around here. I will probably make my pencil skirt soon to. I have one more outfit to make my son. I bought him some sponge Bob fabric today. Then I have a dress to make for two of the girls. Using patterns has helped quite a bit. I plan to stay on top of the sales. I need one for palazzo pants for myself. I want to make a camo blouse to match these camo pumps I bought last night too, I'll probably have to go online for that fabric. We shall see.

Lord help

My mind is heavy... I can't let that keep me down. I promised I would take the kids out for Chinese. I really don't want to drive all the way to Apple valley...but I don't want sucky food either. Im tired, but a promise is a promise...

So hot

It's hotter than fish grease out here. The walls were closing in on me, so I decided to drive down the hill. Theres a discount fabric store I wanted to try. Also I visited my mother. Now it's time to go back to Victorville. The girls should be out of school by the time we make it back up. I think we'll go skating tonight..or bowling

T.G.I.F

It's Friday and I made it through another week, thank God. This is usually a short day for the kids, but for whatever reason they are making it a whole day for them. I still have one at home with me. After some exercise, and some cleaning, I will probably just go to sleep. Still feeling down. Last night I bought 3 pairs of shoes. I have not been feeling much like putting myself together, which is a coping skill I learned. To keep my mood elavated I am supposed to dress up nice, and not according to how I am feeling inside. Anyhoo, the kids are going to another birthday party tomorrow, which will give me some more free time. I have something to do at 11 a.m. but I kind of want to go back downtown L.A. and get more fabric. I found a nice store that has fabric for 99 cents a yard. Maybe it's best I stay my butt up the hill. Get some sleep and alone time. I wanted to take the kids skating, but I guess I will have to put that off until next weekend. I also want to plan a family trip to vegas or arizona. Haven't done the research on that on yet. I guess I should get moving, this weight isnt just going to fall off. Exercise time! I bought a knee brace from Dollar Tree, I hope it helps with my knee troubles.

End of day

Made it home from bible study with a lot on my mind. I really want to shift my focus. I'm so tired of getting disappointed by people, by life. This is the only one I get, so I better make the most of it. So what I don't have a life partner...I still have a life. No more waiting, begging, convincing some man or person to see my worth. I have to know it and be confident in it first. I have been blessed with so much. Yet I spend my days and nights being consumed by thoughts of another man who's only concern is probably what I can add to his life as opposed to what he can add to mine. I think I have the right attitude at far as relationships go, but maybe not all the tools. I've spent a large part of my life dedicated to a man that didn't even value my existence. Is that what I want for myself? Definetly not!  I am a prize to be won because God says so. I am too be loved, and cared for. My needs are met daily by a wonderful, loving Lord and saviour that only wants a relationship with me. Yet I give  outstanding arguments like I'm Johnnie Cochran of how wonderful and loving I am. How much I care and so on. I'm beautiful, and soft and loving and wonderful because God created me, and her does not make junk. So to those who let me slip through their fingers because they felt I was too easy, or needy, or whatever I say it's their loss. No more benefit of the doubt. No more making excuses, no more taking crap. I'm done. Maybe I SHOULD be a little mean. I've been through enough. I'm not signing up for another round of some man's bull s*it. That's it, it's over. After an emotional release like this...I think a.pair of shoes is in order!

Time to shut um out...

I am extremely irritable. I don't know what to make of today. I don't understand how people can say things they don't mean. I bet I am in the wrong for expecting them to keep their word. I'm closing myself off. Pretty soon, won't nobody be able to get in.

Mid day...

Got the kids from school, now time to relax. It's a bible study night, that girls will cook dinner @ 4. I'm getting ready to watch some television. I have sewn q dress for my oldest and another short set for my son. Both came out pretty good. I may work on my dress later tonight. Having a blessed day

Thinking

I am up early...just laying in bed. Mind all over the place. Planing my day and then some. Time to take inventory of the people I find myself being loyal to. I am important...whether or not some people think so. No more accepting empty promises, no blatant disregard for my feelings or time. I'm important to, it's sad it will take my absence in order to make that evident. A world of procrastinators, they wait until it's too late to, then wonder where you went.