Deep thought...

Trying to cook dinner, clean up, plan my nights sewing project. The kids are cleaning there rooms. I don't even really care how clean they get it any more just as long as it doesn't look like a disaster area. For some reason I am on edge this evening and I really don't want to be bothered. Phone's plugged up in another room, and I don't intend on running to answer is someone calls. These are the times I pray about. Today I went into one of my trip's back down memory lane and it really affected me negatively. I made a point to think that in those times I should pray about how I feel and give it to God. Talking about it isn't going to do much and neither is revisiting it. I need to call and make my therapy appointment so that I can learn some more coping skills that will help me work through the pain. I have some serious control, abandonment, and trust issues. I need to learn that everyone isn't out to get me. Though most may be. When God is through with me I want to be able to be part of a relationship where I am not emotionally tied to the other person's actions. I don't want to always be in fear of them either leaving or cheating. I want to be able to live and love in the moment without always being so negative. I need these inner wounds to heal, and as much as I would love to rush the job, I have to be willing to allow it the time it needs but there is work to be done. So I am reading books to help me on the journey, I have therapy and my meds and I have God's word and promise of healing. First I have to let go of the "victim" identity and find me a new one. All my life I have been a victim, and I can't grow anymore. So I shall move forward as a victor. Some one who went through and came out on the other end victorious. Not destined to live the rest of my life as a victim of fear. Fear of men, pain, relationships etc. No more putting my best face forward. I am who I am, and while improvements can be made, I want to be who God created me to be, flaws and all.