I've recovered

I have been really sick over the past week and my youngest has as well. Today I was able to get up and do a lot that I have not felt up to doing for a while. During my sick spell I managed to eat a lot of junk food. I was feeling pretty down and cookies and candy bars was the only thing I wanted. So now I have gotten even that much further from my weight goal. So I decided today, after taking down 3 packs of cookies that I wanted to try again with the juice fasting. The first time I did so I was able to get through 2.5 days with only homemade juice and water. My initial goal is to go 3 full days. This is going to be pretty hard for me. I read somewhere that a juice fast is a great way to detox jump start healthy eating. Ultimately I'd like to change my portion sizes and begin cooking healthy. I plan to change my children's eating habits as well. The next few days I hope to learn more about eating and cooking healthier versions of my meals. We shall see how it goes. I have a photo of myself that I keep in my phone as motivation. When I originally had my big weight loss, I went from 220 lbs to 160 almost over night. I was in such emotional despair that I could not bring myself to eat. So I worked, 12 hours a day, barely ate and consumed a bottle of wine a night. A lot of the people that I worked with thought I was on drugs. But I wasn't, I was heartbroken. Now I am happier, and I eat.....BOY do I eat. I cook pretty much every night. I cook as healthy as I know how to. I have been toying with the thought of joining a gym for a month or so as well. I'm not sure yet if I will though. Okay, time for some well deserved "ME" time. Be blessed

:(

I just keep sinking lower and lower. I'm really trying to fight this one off. It's crazy how emotions sway so fast. I actually shook it off for a good minute this evening. Enough to cook and enjoy a nice dinner with a glass of wine and watch a romantic comedy. Good grief, I've got to get out of this. I really just want to ball out of control. I fought of the tears a lot today. Now i figure, what the heck.....I'm alone, so what better time. Don't have to save face in front of the kids now. They aren't watching. MAN!! This sucks so terribly. I read my book, I read my bible, I've prayed and talked to God. I just feel so insignificant at this precise moment. I have had a habit sense a child of unconsciously telling myself no one cares for me, and that I don't matter. I was in my 20's when I realized I do this, and quite often. So I made an effort to stop and tell myself the opposite. It worked, but as of recently, I have noticed I started all over again. It's crazy the subtle ways the enemy will use to attack you. Geez!! If anyone reads this blog, and I don't know if anyone really does....Pray for me please. I'm to blessed to be this down.......I've spent far to many years crying and depressed to stop being optimistic now. Maybe I should try and get some sleep. I think that's a good idea. Peace to you, and blessings. Good Night

Tripping out

I'm seriously sitting here wondering why I have had the misfortune I've experienced in relationships with men. I'm a great woman, they all come back (too late), I'm supportive, loving, kind, affectionate etc. But yet to find a man appreciative of such efforts. Yeah, they take advantage, then when I realize what's really up and exit, THEN they want to make it right. I'm not in a good head space right now. Lord I pray I shake this cloud around my head soon.

slow day

Today was pretty good, I woke up and went for a run. Came home and collapsed. I must admit I did feel pretty good after that run though. Went to the dollar store to get supplies to help my oldest daughter with her class project, came home and ate. I tried to take a nap, from which i was repeatedly awakened by my 2 year old son. I gave up on that and went to help my daughter get  started on her project. Its a diorama of a scene from "The Black Stallion." We aren't finished, we decided to let the glue dry and put the finishing touches on tomorrow. After that I took the kids to the park to ride their bikes while I read on the bench. It was quite warm out so we decided to come home and get dinner started. I put together quite the mexican feast. Complete with homemade guacamole and the works. I put the kids to work after that, doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. Got everyone bathed and now it's quite time. At least for me it is. The kids were reading to each other a minute ago, but now I hear a lot of giggling and such. As long as they let me have this time to myself and they don't kill each other, I don't mind. I would like to try to finish this book I am reading, so that I can move on to another. Boring day huh! It's like that sometimes around here. This is my second weekend in a row with the kids. I decided not to push the idea of them going to see their father. He has been texting me some inappropriate things lately. I just don't feel safe going to make the exchange.....

Be blessed!

God is good!!

About an hour ago I got the email I had been waiting for. My interview is next Thursday. Not only did God see me through to this point...I have a whole week to prepare. My plan....to look up interviewing tips and videos and pray for a calm spirit and guidance in securing this job. I am so excited about what Good is doing in my life, can't wait to give my testimony.

Emotional

Another blessed day coming to a close. I feel like I am getting a cold, but despite that all is well. I have been experiencing the answering of prayers in my daily life. I have a sense of calm that has come over me, and as a diagnosed non medicated Bi-polar....that in itself is a big deal. I have anger issues, and some self-doubt in the area of parenting, then what single mom has not doubted herself a time or hundred. My relationship with my children is improving, and I am learning the priority of things in my life. I am able most nights to accomplish a great deal. Spring semester is about to begin, so then I will have that much more on my already full plate.
     Things are winding down now around the house. The first series of "baths" are taking place and the last of the homework is being completed. No word as of yet on my test score for the Sheriff position which is great news. I suspect I will hear something tomorrow regarding the interview process. So instead of my usual YouTube vids, I will be looking up some on how to refine my interview answers. YouTube is AWESOME!  I try to spend most of my quiet time reading though. LOL @ quite time.....I have four children, quiet time is something I do not get very often. Tomorrow I am planning on spending my morning job hunting and exercising. I have not really done any applications this week. Usually I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket, but I fully believe that God's already got this job bagged up with my name on it. Call it great faith or being naive, but in my spirit I just feel like there is no need. But I will...tomorrow.

Until then....Be Blessed.

On today!.....yesterday

Well on yesterday...I started writing this yesterday but things were tense so I didn't finish. Okay so, I took two test for a job with the Sheriff's department yesterday. I know I passed one, as for the other...she was only sending out fail emails, and I have yet to recieve one. So I think I'm golden. This is one of those instances where I believe God is moving in my life. This would be such a great opportunity for myself and my family. There's a saying that goes...If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I have faith that this whole situation would not have come to pass unless it was at His hand, for His glory. What a testimony it will be. Just the way it all unfolded.....there's no way I can take credit for any of it. My hands shook that whole time I took my typing test. I wasn't sure I had passed, but by the grace of God, I did. I don't know why he favors me but he does. My brother and I recently had a conversation about the goodness of the Lord. There's nothing you can do to be deserving... He's just good!!!! Can't wait to see how it all comes to pass. Please believe I will be giving that testimony top any and everyone who will listen. Praise the Lord!!!

Cut it off!

I have been feeling overwhelmed. Yesterday I didn't know what to do with myself, I got up early and went for a walk in the park hoping it would allow me to gather my thoughts. I prayed for myself, my children, my family and friends. I heard a saying a while back that goes, "How can you be mad at God for not closing a chapter in your life if you keep opening the book." With that thought I decided to cut off all communication with my ex-husband. I was hoping we could be cordial for the children's sake. But the interaction has turned into something that made me scared. He is behaving like he is obsessed. I can not shoulder his regret any longer. Nothing I say is going to help or make him move on. So I have decided that it would be best for me to just separate myself from the situation all together. Cut it completely off! I have not interfered with his communication with the children. How ever I HAVE blocked him from calling and texting me. Some of the things he was saying was causing me great distress. I have to realize that I am not his savior, Jesus is. That I must focus on creating the best life I can for myself and my children. Right now I am totally reliant on Jesus to get me through. I have no income, I have plenty bills that need to be paid...BUT I also have faith!!! It may not be a big as some, but there is an inner calm inside that says don't fear, I will bring you out. Tomorrow I have a test for a job with the Sheriff's Dept. It is an office position. The pay is great and I suspect so is the job security. God won't bring you to something for know reason. I know He knows what I need. So I am believing for something great, something greater than I can imagine. I am holding on.
Be blessed!

Peace at all cost.....like my mama used to say

Sitting in the park down the street from my house. It's so peaceful out here. This is the one thing I'll miss the most when I move in a couple of months. Didn't get much sleep last night. Text war with the Ex, as well as troubled thoughts about the one I just walked away from. Men are a trip. But I'm not tryna go on vacation. I have goals to meet. Spring semester will be starting soon. I'm still looking for a job and preparing the house for my pending move. I'm utterly reliant on God right now. No income, a crazy ex husband hell bent on controlling my life, and four little people who depend on me for their every need. Right now I just need peace. So I'm sitting alone, in this quiet park.....enjoying the beauty of it all. I need this few minutes, cause after this I dive head first back in to all the applications, phone calls, and networking. I have dinner to prepare, laundry to do, and boxes to pack. So I'm stealing this moment for myself. My mother used to say "Peace at all cost!" And for me it means cutting off those who are not adding to my life, praying, planning and reaching my goals. No outside disturbances. Just peace!
Take peace when you need it, life definetly won't hand it to you. Be blessed!

Night Cap

Just picked up the kids from their weekend with "Dad". I was in a bit of a mood, like I explained a little while ago. He's still trying to convince me that he has changed. Not buying it. Not one bit. Even if he has.....new rule....no remixes....no more chances. There's not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of one thing or another I suffered at his hands. He even asked me to the movies......no dates! He is still relying on my INSANE capacity for forgiveness, and really thinks that one day I'll give it another shot. No thanks! God has someone out there for me and I seriously doubt it's him. After 11 years of my life, my dues are paid and I owe him nothing. The only way to break the cycle of pain is to move on. Much like the only way to break the cycle of addiction is to quit. I am 34 years old, and at this point in my life I am learning so much. I feel like a sponge sometimes. I enjoy being a woman. I love being a mom, and a good friend. I like helping people. I'm loving my 30's far more than I liked my 20's, but maybe that's because I spent all those years with a man that did not want, appreciate, or care about me. NEVER try to force someone to know your worth. They either do or they don't. You can not force anyone to love you, or respect you. Most importantly, believe what people show you with their actions, and NOT what they say.

What part of the GAME is THIS!!!!!

Today started out pretty good. I got a lot done. Laundry, exercise, grocery shopping, church......THEN....I sent out an email....an apology really. I had been interacting with a man....for the last six months. Things have recently gone south. So, because of my recent enlightenment I decided to walk away from the situation peacefully. I want to truly focus on building a stronger relationship with Christ, in hopes of Him sending a mate my way. WELL.......Me, being my usual inquisitive (nosy) self stumbled upon some information. I had figured he had some "playboy" ways about him. The phone lock, the disappearing, the turning the phone off right after I call....you know the stuff guilty people do. So I find confirmation....and I literally LOSE IT!!!!! I type up what I would like to think is a fairly respectful, yet stern e-mail. Once I was done with that, he happened to reply to my first e-mail. So I read what he wrote....which to me was a total cop out. Why is it that men find reasons not to own up to their own bull crap but want to call us out on ours...go figure. ANYHOO! I reply to that one with again, another set of respectful but "choice" words. Then I calmly delete all pictures of him and us. Tear up the picture i put up next to my bed, and now I'm trying not to become any more unglued than I already am. I'M DONE! No more dating for me for a little while. It's like men can smell when your pissed at one of their kind....cause in comes all the text messages from the ones I cut off a few months ago. I am not at all in the mood for any of this. Time to block all of the numbers from my cell and my house phone. I'm a great woman, this i know. Every man that has ever walked away from me HAS returned. Hat in hand.....But like Tamar Braxton said, "She (meaning me) don't do remixes!, Remixes are for the radio!" BOOM, and there you have it. Why waste my time giving one man multiple chances when there are other men that would gladly take on what your passing up. Back to loving me, for me. Wall back up, love don't live here, adios muchachos!! I've been watching this Trent Shelton video on YouTube.....It's helping a lil bit lol.

Lost.......

12 days into the new year and I find myself stuck between feeling lost and feeling uplifted. I'm trying to break some bad habits as relationships go. Fighting myself along the way. The wall that I had once torn down I find myself slowly rebuilding. I feel like I need to shift my focus somewhat, but I'm not at all sure how to do it. I made a commitment to myself to start praying more, reading my bible, being active at church, teaching my kids and being a more attentive listener. I've been doing a lot of research on ways to make my life better. I recently walked away from a job I held for three weeks. I feel like God has something better for me. That I don't have to just except what the "world" gives me as my truth. I definitely do play a part in my fate. As long as I take a step toward my dream, it can be attained. I take one step, and believe the promise in my heart that God wants greatness for me and allow Him to open the right doors and line me up with the right people to make those dreams come true. I'm ready now. I'm 34 and I need more in my life. I'm divorced, and I want a husband. I'm unemployed and I want a great job that I can go to everyday without dreading it. I have 4 children and I want to be the best teacher on life and how to survive that I can possibly be. SO.....I am making a decision to consciously walk away from the mess I have created with my life. To try submitting myself to the POSSIBILITY that God does love me and would like me to have the desires of my heart. I have not made many great choices, but I believe that this one is a step in the right direction. This is not easy by any means. Who wants to deny themselves? I'm already suffering the effects of loneliness, fear, and self-doubt. When those feeling hit, I pray and ask for comfort to make it through. I NEED to come out of this on top. I NEED my life to turn around. I NEED to heal. I hope through my struggle, through my journey for change....I can be a blessing to someone going through something similar...... IF your taking the time to read my words...thanks....and be blessed!

Up late

I spend a lot of time up late thinking. Thinking about past, present and future. In my mind there is a constant battle of peace and worry.

I am determined to not live a life in bondage to "what if". I seek clarity on all things. I put my trust in God.

August 23, 2012

My birthday! We got up that morning and the plan was to take the kids to school and then to go out to lunch. So of course I get all dolled up. I was downstairs scrambling with the kids and he was upstairs in my bathroom. I made my way up the stairs, and I guess he did not here me. We bumped right into each other. He was looking down at his other cell phone. A secret cell phone his other woman gave him. He immediately tried to shove it in his pocket. Like a little kid who just got caught stealing cookies. I knew what it was and my heart broke......SERIOUSLY DUDE....on my BIRTHDAY????? So I grabbed for his pocket asking what it was. He had the nerve to say....Its your birthday gift. You'll get it later. I KNEW WHAT IT WAS!!! So I start going off. Im trying to get my hand in his pocket. We begin wrestling on the bedroom floor. He shoves me. I grab my cell and my keys and fly down the stairs. He is right behind me. We argue. I'm going HARD!!! He stands there looking at me scream...then hit socks me in my face. I feel the blood run down my nose. I'm shocked. I back up. He hits me again, and starts yelling. The kids see this. They are scared. He tells my stepson to take them upstairs. He shoves me into the downstairs bedroom. I hit the wall HARD. He takes my keys and my phone and tells me I'm not going anywhere. He can do as he pleases and I wont do shit. He paces frantically. I get up. He shoves me into the wall again. He pulls of my wig. He humiliates me. Somehow things calm down. I get my keys and phone and my kids and leave. I take them to school, my youngest I take to my mothers house. She sees that I am upset. But I don't tell her what happened. I leave and he starts in with the apologies. I tell him to choose. He keeps saying I dont have a phone. Im not seeing anyone. We talk. I let my guard down cause this time he sheds a tear. We go to lunch. Then to pick up the kids and back home. We drink and play video games. I get tired. So I go upstairs and get in the bed. An hour passes. He comes up as if he's looking for something. I tell him the tv downstairs is to loud. He says okay he will turn it down.......My intuition tells me something is not right. So I get up, the tv is still loud. I creep downstairs and stare at him from the hallway. In his hand is the very phone he cried and told me he did not have. Im furious. I confront him. He tucks it under his shirt and says it was the remote. So I tell him to stand up so I can see it. He says no....says for me to go back upstairs. I grab for it again. Again we wrestle, again he strikes me in the head repeatedly. I run upstairs. He chases me and shoves me in my walk in closet. I find shoes while im in there. I open the door quickly grab my phone and run like hell downstairs....into the garage and slap the button to open it. I dash toward it. He slaps it and it begins going down. I dive and roll under it while it's closing. I made it. I run down my street in flip flops and my pajamas which were nothing but tiny shorts and a tank top. He begins calling me. Im hiding in the bushes and I see MY car coming down the street. I call my friend who lives down the street. She comes to pick me up. We drive around, he is STILL calling me, screaming voice mails for me to "Bring my ass home". He threatens to take my children and says I'll never see them again. I call the police. My friend and I block the driveway so he cant leave with the kids. He's loading the mini van. He pulls off around us, I tried blocking the car with my body. The whole time I'm on the phone with the police who seem to be taking their sweet time. The dispatcher tells me not to stand in front of the car. He drives off. He has locked me out of the house. Eventually he comes back and throws me my keys, as he's leaving again the cops pull up. After an hour of being told i'm a woman scorned, they finally arrest him. But it's only the beginning of a long birthday weekend......Stay Tuned!!!