Worn out!

I did a lot today. More to do tomorrow. I managed to get an outfit sewn for my son. I hope it fits. Time to shower, read and go to sleep.

Today was a good day

Dinner was great. I made meatloaf, sauteed spinach and mashed potato's. The kids tore it up, I did as well. I finally got around to cleaning my room and hanging the mirror in the back room for the kids. I was supposed to clean the guest room, but I think I will do that tomorrow. I need to wash the linen back there and the only laundry I'm doing tonight is the kids uniforms. I kind of want to take the kids on a walk in the park but I really want to put my feet up and relax. I might do a bit of sewing. I'm so grateful for moments like these. I was thinking back earlier to last summer. All the meals around the table. All the days at the park and at the movies. Bowling and long rides to L.A. I hope to have an eventful summer this year as well. I sincerely enjoyed my time. Here we are in May now, and June is soon to follow. Time flies by in the blink of an eye. It's a wonder why so many take it for granted. I want my time to be filled with love, and smiles and understanding. While I was driving today, I had a little talk with the Lord. I said, I hope to find a man...when it's time that can love me for who I am. In the season of life I am in. I want to be able to be me, and not have to bend to the tune of someone else's expectation for my life. I am really laid back, I love my children, I make mistakes, I love really hard and cry even harder. I go overboard sometimes. My clothes land where ever I take them off. If I move to fast I get overwhelmed. I need a alot of attention, I require a lot of affection. I love long hugs and kisses. I'm a romantic at heart. I enjoy sitting in silence with the object of my affection as well as hanging out or partying. I would like someone who can be strong when he faces the world, but soft when he faces me. Wow, kinda got lost in the moment for a second. It was a brief conversation, I know whom ever the Lord has chosen, where ever he may be...I know it will be great. For now I enjoy my season of singleness. I am being lovingly groomed into a wife and homemaker by the creator of marriage, and all things big and small.

Lunch

I had to talk myself into this but I'm glad I did. Having lunch at Pancho Villas. Wednesday is half price margarita day. This is what i call "mommy time". A nice drink, great food, and the best company a girl could have.....herself.

Sitting

Made the first drop off. Now I'm sitting in the car waiting to make the second drop off. We're way to early and I don't want to drive back home. So we're sitting in this parking lot listening to the radio passing time...still no word on whether or not our visitor will be coming...I guess I'll just wait and see. I think I'll go to JoAnn's. Their pattern sale is still going on and I looked at this Spiderman fabric I bought for buddy. I got send idea for a short set, so I want too see if I can find a pattern for what's in my head. This time is passing by so slow. I'll go to the gas station, by then it should be time to do the last drop.

So cute :)

I just completed the cutest pair of suit shorts for myself. If I could just find a pattern for a corset vest. It's like an underbust vest, kind of Victorian looking. It would go really good with these shorts. I think I am going to make another pair from this pink pinstripe fabric I have. Next up is to make my dress. The pattern sale is still going on at JoAnn's , so tomorrow after I drop of Buddy, I will be going to collect a few more patterns. I wish I would of cashed in on the 99 cent pattern sale. I will make sure to stay on top of the sales.

Ho hum...:/

Dinner is done, everyone's eaten. Time to relax until the end of the day. I guess I'll finish sewing my shorts.

Woo-sah

Took care of business, now time for a bit of pampering. I need this to keep me sane. It makes me feel all girly. I'm very particular about my nails. In this particular shop Im learning who to NOT let touch me. Last tone I was here my fill sucked. I think the lady working on me now is okay...I think she's done my nails before, I don't remember. Anyhoo, I started sewing my shorts. So far the look decent. I'll finish than either tonight or tomorrow. I want to get started on my dress but I must pace myself. I need to finish Arielle's comforter. I told her I would have it done before the end of the week. Time to relax, I'm considering taking on another project. I want to build a bench...after I do that, I may take on building my own patio furniture....sounds like a lot I know. I need to keep busy.

My day is in full swing

Dropped the kids off at school, cut the grass amc pulled weeds. Now it's time to eat and do homework. Hopefully I'll be able to get a manicure today if time permits. If not....there's always tomorrow :-)

Ugh Ugh Ugh!!

Throughly annoyed, time to retreat to the bat cave a.k.a my room. music and a bit of sewing. In 30 minutes these kids are going to bed and I shall have a silent house soon there after. What a day dear Lord. What a day!

Time flies...

Goodness!
Where did the time go? I got my homework done. Now it's time to clean up a bit and hopefully cut out my pieces to my shorts. I need to go by the grocery store to get something for dinner. It would be nice to take a short nap but I doubt that will happen. I have two loads of laundry that need folding, I think I will have the kids do that once they get home. I forgot to get light bulbs and batteries for the smoke detectors earlier, so I guess I better budget time to do that as well. As long as I do one lesson a day I will stay ahead of my assignments. Time to put on some music and whip this house into shape. What a day, what a day! Oh great, that made me think of something else...a few words can take my mind onto another thought pattern.....sigh!

A long walk "Jill Scott"

Another Monday :-)

feeling like I might be strong enough to go for a run. after that I have a lot of homework I need to do. then hopefully I can get some sewing in or at least cut out my pattern. I would love to just get back in my bed and go to sleep though. but there's far too much to do. I better get started, every minute of this day counts. The semester is almost over and I'm having a hard time getting my work done. I need a break. Being sick wasn't quite it. Now that I have most of my strength back, it's time to get back on track with everything. I'm going to try and space out the bigger tasks, probably take on just one a day. Then I can focus on the millions of smaller tasks, like folding laundry and such. I'll see how it goes today.

the proposal

Kids are all washed up and in the bed. Now it's my time to do something I want to do. So I will take a nice hot shower and make sure the kitchen is clean. Then I guess I will go to sleep myself. I will have a lot of time to do homework and sew tomorrow. So I will take the rest of the night off. I think I want to do something different with my hair for a while. I'm commited to the short cut but I think I want a bob for a while. I think it will be cute for the spring, then back to short hair for the summer. I dont know....it's just a thought for now. I feel like time is passing me by. But I wont give into that thought. Early during church service a young man surprised a young woman with a marriage proposal. It made me cry. I did'nt get all that the first time around. I am hoping that if God see's fit, that next time around that I will get a heartfelt proposal. It's not easy to surprise me, so I am hoping it will catch me totatlly off guard. One day I will find someone who loves me enough to take the time to do something like that. I better stop thinking about it now. It's going to go from a warm feeling to a cold one really fast. I think another glass of wine is in order.

I had so much fun yesterday

What a great day yesterday. I got to do some shopping downtown, and go see someone I hold dear to my heart. The kids and I stopped for ice cream and then made the long drive home. I'm very happy I made the trip. Today we went to our ususal noon church service which was really good. Then the kids and I went to JoAnn which had a pretty impressive McCall's pattern sale. 5 patterns for $7. I think I will go back tomorrow after doing some pattern research online on the McCall's website. I bout one for some shorts, and 4 for different styles of dresses. I wanted one for a pencil skirt which is why I went in the first place. I cut out the pattern for my shorts, but Im not sure if I'm going to sew them tonight or tomorrow. Still thinking about my visit yesterday, I wish I knew what to make of it.

Good day so far

Did they kids hair, now homework and music

Me + Bed = ZZZZZZZ

That's about all the homework im doing tonight. It would be nice to sew something, but I feel BLAH! I have stuff on my brain. Have to find out if the kids are still going to Washington. I would have liked to bought my ticket already, but I would like to wait until I know whats going on with them. My trip may end up being a spur of the moment trip. May not get to stay as long as I want to either. Still have not figured out the whole trip to LAX and back to Victorville. My first thought was to ask Mark, but he's got to much on his plate to be adding my itenerary. I'll get a quote from SuperShuttle and see what would be cost effective. It cost to much money to fly out of ONT, so hopefully I will have it all together. I'm tired, and I am not speaking physically now. Mentally as well. I am trying not to make people much bigger than they seem. They are who and what they are, and It's not up to me to change that. I know my worth, and that is something that I have to hold on to. Cause now days folks seriously hope you not aware of how valuable you are. I don't know. Time for instant knock out, and my night handful of pills. A nice hot shower, and between the sheets I go.

This song tho....

Tired

Kids are fed and I am sitting in bed about to do homework. Everything in me wants to just say I'll do it tomorrow and go to sleep. But just like I tell my kids, work first, fun later. The semester is almost over, and if I apply myself, I could get the rest of my course work done over the weekend and be done with it all. I can't mess this semester up. I really can't. SO I guess I will get to work. Sleep can wait.

Questions...

What do you think, when you ask someone you care for a question and they never respond? I've thought this over most of the day. What exactly did I expect as a reply? After mulling it over in my head, the only conclusion I could come up with was...the truth. Tell me the truth no matter how good or how bad. Instead, I was met with silence. But silence even in its quietness can still scream. What IT says is hardly ever good. I have to except it either way. Quiet...is an answer to.

Dinner

Decided to have dinner out with the kids. So far it's been pretty nice. We don't get out like this often. It would be nice to do things like this all the time, or at least every other week.
I'm looking forward to getting in my bed this evening. I'm already ready to go night night!

Post visit...

2 more meds....dang

Doctor

Doctors office...waiting to be called. I'm extremely sleepy. After this I have to go pick up my son's gift from Wal-Mart. His uncle sent him something really nice. I'm still fighting against my thoughts. But I know that's not an easy battle. I hope to get some home work done. I pick buddy up early today. So anything I'm trying to do, especially sleep...I need to get done before I get him. Have to figure out what on earth is for dinner. I'm sleepy....okay time to chill till they call me.

Why beat it mode...

I....have been tossing...and turning...for the last two hours. So I figured why fight anymore. Dag nabbit I'm up okay! You win this round Insomnia, this round. I find myself a little bit troubled. I know I am still a work in progress, so do I even have a right to "want" anything? I am speaking of qualities in a companion. I've done some pretty heavy soul searching. I've weighed my "packaging" (qualities) against the "competition" (women in general). I found a lot that left me feeling displeased. Lately I have been doing minute things to improve my quality of life. Like the whole sewing thing, the lady projects around the house, cooking i've always enjoyed, I'm learning to be a more patient, more involved mother to my children. SO...When it comes to thinking about what type of companion I might want, I'm not sure where or if my desires ever changed. I try to hang on to the notion that God knows what needs I have. I'm not sure If I tap into the whole thought that there is one person for everyone. I think that at the right time, he choses someone to complete the triangle. Marriage takes work. You have got to break wills, hearts, thoughts, barriers, etc in order to make the two one. Back to what I'd like, a kind sensitive man. I dont believe sensitivity takes away from stregth. I want someone who's soft when it comes to me. He would love me deeply. Like the scripture says, "Christ loved the church". I want to feel protected and provided for. I want a safe place to feel vulnerable. I want someone who is interested in bringing out my inner beauty, who finds value in the less superficial things of this world. I like nice things, I like nice places, I REALLY LIKE SHOES!!! lol, but I care for the little sentimentle things. Romance is important. Not just saying roses and candy, I mean walking on the beach holding hands, long drives, eye contact, lingering kisses, a never-ending series of small meaningful moments. Except for the physical parts, I'm sure I can get that from the Lord. But what women doesnt want strong arms to hold her tight and loving eyes to consume her. I started reading my bible again tonight. I cant keep asking God to reveal Himself fo me and not read His word....to be continued.

Post day wrap up

Minds thinking....but not to fast for once. Interesting conversation this afternoon, very, VERY, interesting. At a moment like this my brain should be firing off all kids of random options, situations, meaning, thoughts, opinions etc....But instead is chugging a long. The mind is a miraculous thing, a change of mind does indeed change a lot. Don't really want to go into the touchy feely stuff right now though. The girl's had there homework done before I picked them up from child care, so for the next 30 mins, I'll be giving them their first sewing lesson. I am excited! We're supposed to make a circle skirt for the youngest girl "shuggie" but her stomach hurts so next up is "Pumpkin", I know as soon as they get the hang of it they will love it. I need activities that yeild results, teach patience, and are family oriented. I hope I am putting the right mixture into these girls lol, dont want to keep them waiting, of course I shall document the results.

Dizzy!!

Glory to God, rounds are complete. Not a moment too soon, I was becoming a bit confused on the drive home. I made a wrong turn, and the street before mine looked really foreign to me...freaked me out for a minute. Quiet house, wish I could turn my phone off but of course I can't. I also can't focus right now, so sleep here I come.....if my neighbors friggin dogs stop barking!!!

Im up

My hands are a little shaky, but I am feeling a little more stable on my feet, I still need to brace myself every now and again though. My plan is to drop everyone off and then come home and fall out. There is a tightness at the back of my head where the pain was. If I do to much up and about or have a bad coughing spell the throbbing comes back. My thoughts are a bit more clearer as well. I still feel weak though. I need rest and time. Feeling like I could nod off now, so ill try and do so now. More to do in the next four hours.

Real test

Tomorrow the kids go back to school! I ate a little bit more today than yesterday so that's getting better. I think it's a mental after effect of all that nausea. My mom attempted to redeem herself but that really hurt. We all need to shut off that thing that asks what about me inside of all of us. Everybody has an angle these days I guess. M called, I was thoroughly convinced he didn't care AT ALL! That would of been f'd up closure, but it would of been concrete. Nothing says you aint "**it" like no call when your sick. Whether it  was from the heart or principle....I respect that. He's the only one who called....not saying texts aren't important, but there's a difference. That difference means a great deal to me. I'm drained, my head is thumping like crazy. Lord I know your the one true healer, If it be in thy will please restore me. Help me to see what I was to ignorant to see before. In Jesus name....Amen, and on that note...Good Night ;-)

:'(

I guess I'm that messed up. My mother didn't even ask if I was feeling better...wow. no follow up from M either or my sis. I'm really about to be introverted now. No calls, no text, no show, nothing! They just make sure your not going to die so they won't have to take on any of your responsibilities. This place disgusts me. Everybody gets so self involved.
They ask....am I supposed to stop my life in order to help you....um yeah!! Just like I do for them because I care.

This sums up everything I'm feeling

Sick, sad, crying, feeling worthless. Depressed...I'm very sick, and I feel so alone.

Smh

Chest xray, shots, iv fluids...oh my! What an Easter these kids are going to have. I hope im functional sooner than later. I need help....but folks make you feel guilty about them having to to something to help you. It's just me and the kids!!!

going to the doctor

Made it through the night thank God. Early urgent care appointment. time to put a name on this. I feel so bad not being 100 percent for the kids :(

I hope I get better

Going down hill pretty fast. Chills, body aches, cough,...it's looking more and more like pneumonia. Ill give myself a few hours of stepping up the liquids, it that does nothing, to urgent care I go....with 4 sleepy kids ...:-( life of a.single mother.

made it....

Back...that trip took a lot out of me. i think i pushed myself to had to soon. i managed to choke down a string cheese, and a little fresh fruit. slowly making progress. think im going to try and nap real quick. all my energy is completely gone, and i promised the girls sewing lessons today. cant let them down.

....

Dressed all cute...smelling good....feeling like CRAP! I need to eat something, drink something. After eight hours on pedialyte and Gatorade AND water, I'd think I'd be okay by now. Should I really make this trip today??? WITH all the kids in tow....I don't know. Maybe I should go another day :-(

Closure...

It's that thing we women want, but never seem to get. Sigh...if I could only get that door closed completely...Then, just maybe, I could clear out my head. Tried again and failed. None coming today, probably never.

Time to leave this bed of mine...

Thank God for waking me and my family this morning. I am still feeling like crap but either way I will force myself to get up, get dressed and get out to get things done today. Don't want the kids to feel like they have lost there 3 day weekend cause I am stuck in bed. Wondering where I could take them...My anger from yesterday has subsided  a bit, but I still feel it's sting. People...Why people pretend, I just don't know. It's easy when your pushed away from the begining. I don't want to get myself started up. I need to focus on what I do have. Right now it's me, and these kids!

Say bye bye...

This about sums up a whole lot for me. I need to stop giving people the best of me.

I ate finally. YAY!

Just choked down a burrito. Tried to eat it slow enough to not throw up. I.think another night in bed is in order.

Making progress slowly....

Some how, some way, I managed to get my butt in the shower, make myself look decent. Drive to the market for a few items to help my dehydration, and dinner for the kids. I feel depleted. There's a cool breeze blowing, it's helping me stay alert. I feel like past of my brain it's missing. That spot is what it's aching and throbbing. No school for them tomorrow, more rest for me. Sleepy.time for new soon as I get home.

slow going....

Still in terrible pain, the most annoying part of all this is being so hungry, but everything turns my stomach. I hate this!!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. My head is throbbing so hard. I just struggled through one homework assignment, about to try and do the next one right after I put something in my stomach. There has got to be something in this kitchen I could eat!!!
Lord please take this pain away.

almost feeling like me

Feeling slightly better, but head still throbbing. Body is still sore. Still hungry but no appetite. I am a mess right now. Going to attempt catching up on some of my homework, finally got Microsoft on the phone, she's supposed to be fixing my issue. Other than that I guess it's another day in the bed. As far as percentages go I'd say I am about a 45%, that is pretty darn bad considering all I do on a daily basis. Got the girls to school, tomorrow is a free day for them so that is good for me. I have been going over a conversation in my head that I had the other day. It makes me so friggin angry the things people try to sale to me. If they can keep you in any form of bondage they will. I'm done with it all. Anyway, time to try and get things done.

Lord help me please

Imagine having a whole body migraine. I am in incredible pain. I couldn't even take the kids to school this morning, I was too dizzy to drive. I had a horrible night. Been trying to rest all morning, but the pain is just to much. I hope I feel better soon.

The End

Still a day behind on homework, My dumb Microsoft subscripiton is still jacked up and I dont have the strength nor patience to deal with it. I know I have work to do but rest is far more important. With that said, I am about to K.O. I really wanted to sew tonight, but I guess I wont be doing any of that until the weekend. I might try to get out there and run in the morning...at least a good walk. I made a doctor's appointment to get my knee looked at for Monday....I'm reall salty right now and I promise I am not trying to be. I just want to really move on with my life. The heck with anyone else. It's a done deal. Im about to build a wall to the moon!!!! Let's see someone climb over that.

Just mad!!!

I am tired!! Also, I am angry, I have a whole lot of anger in me. I need to refocus. That is exactly what I am going to do. I dont have time for drama and bull. I am going to get over this!!! Period!

Late night

Up...I have a headache. My eyes hurt...been crying. Thought that maybe I should have a Cyndi date day.
Why do I waste my time on people who do not care enough to care about me? Tired of being ignored and taken for granted. I find myself wanting to withdraw more and more...I think I may volunteer to help with vacation bible school at church. I don't know, I still want to take my trip, even if for only a few days. I don't know how that would work with the church schedule, but I'm sure if I give a heads up, an accommodation can be made. Four more hours...

back on the roller coaster

Here I go....emotionally tore up. I feel like a fool as usual. I am a woman who does not want to regret not saying something that was on my heart to say. Who wants to give love where there is none. I want to fill voids and mend hearts. As I sit here I wonder if I am stepping on God's toes. Am I trying to be more that I was created to be. Am I living outside my purpose? I don't know. What I do know that my big fat heart keeps getting me into situations that makes me feel like I wish I did not have one. Wish that I could be as cold to those who are cold to me. To ignore and overlook...To distance myself from feeling even the slightest emotion. Some people say, "You should never allow someones cruelty make you change who you are." But I believe that the ones who say that are the ones that intend to prey on the kindness of those of us who are still capable of showing they care....Just a thought.

to fast for me....

This day has gone by very fast. I dont really have any time left to do anything. In a matter of minutes I have to go get the kids. Tonight I am supposed to wash and press the oldest daughters hair. I wanted to get homework done, but that did not happen, I will do my best to get ahead tomorrow. Guess I better relax now...I wont be able to in a little while.

Monday hey hey!

Thank God for another beautiful day. My mind has flipped and flopped do much over the past few weeks. Right now I feel content just being by myself. But one lonely night that might change. 

Out with the kids

Decided to bring to bring the kids to mc Donald's for ice cream and to play. It's air conditioned and loud. Small enough for me to easily keep track of them, but big enough for them to move around.
It's funny the things that make you think of certain people. They sell these cinnamon roll things here and it brought back a memory that made me laugh.
Anyway...so I'm working on my second sundae because my son decided he didn't want any. I'll let them play a bit, it's nice to get out of the house and be somewhere other than the park. Wanted to go to the mall, but decided not to. Maybe later this week...

Night night time

Long day, I'm tired. I did a lot. Much to do tomorrow

It's Friday...finally

I'm at the school waiting to pick up my girls. have a lot on my mind as of late.
don't know what to make of half I'm thinking about. Im almost finished sewing the girls outfits. Hope to get them done so they can wear them tomorrow. I've been eyeballing the fabric I bought for my dress a while ago. Not yet confident enough to cut into it. My skills are definetly shaking up though. Just need to get my space better organized. I'm fighting myself on the concept of being genuinely myself, my emotional, vulnerable, self. Then I think why....oh well. I have enough on my plate to keep me busy for tonight.

middle of the week, thank goodness

I made it to Wednesday, thank the Lord. Just got back from to the park to play for a spell. I ordered his cake this morning. His birthday is tomorrow. I may not be able to do all I want to for him, but I will at least be able to give him a great dinner and a cake. Getting ready to do homework and then some exercise.

Another day...

Another one of those mornings, where i don't want to do anything. Well guess what, i have washed and folded 3 loads of laundry, swept out the garage, loaded the dishwasher, watered the lawn, cleaned my room and entertained my son who is out sick from school.....i am ready for a nap, but not before i do a chapter of homework. sheesh......i don't know how much longer i can keep this up. It's very hard to get out of my bed in the morning. Even harder to get myself dressed to drop all the kids off. I hope this passes....there is far to much going on right now. I don't want to think, I just want to exist.

Monday....

Woke.....but I don't want to be. Quick trip to drop off the kids. Some form of exercise, homework and then seeing for the rest of the afternoon. I yi yi!

making progress

Homework done, dinner in the oven, clothes folded, most of the house clean.....all that is left to do is sew. I have this zebra print fabric that I was going to pair with some jean fabric and make a dress. But then I decided to make a zebra jumper....now I am thinking I don't want to walk around looking like a big ole zebra. I don't know what to do now. I might just make the baby doll dress. I am sure I could get some zebra shorts out the deal as well. time to serve these children dinner.

One of those days

I really don't want to get out of bed....

Alrighty then

What a day so far....my kids know when I'm tired....I'm convinced they wake me on purpose....my son just came in and told me....mommy.....I want something...uhh....okay son...can you be more specific. He stands there and blinks at me. I guess that's code for...get your butt up, mommies don't sleep. I yi yi....time to get up then.

Ho hum...

I'm drained...to a nap and still tired. Bout to crash some homework, need to get ahead.

so tired

ran 3 miles this morning, completed all my errands and had a little girl talk..now it's time to pick up my son and I am exhausted. I need a nap so friggin bad. I would try to sneak one in right quick but it's almost time to get the girls. at that point it wouldnt make sense to try to go to sleep.I probably still will, that way I can stay up late tonight doing homework. I've done a good job drinking more water today so far. but we'll see how the rest of the day goes...

Hump day!

I woke up angry today. only thing I know to do with it is to run it out. hopefully I can take all this negative energy in turn into something positive. finally starting to see the numbers move on the scale. I was under the impression that I went too far with dinner last night, but I think since I didn't eat that much yesterday morning that I kinda evened out. I realize now I have to create a calorie deficit with both my eating at my exercising. also need to increase my water intake. I know part of my problem with the whole weight loss thing is the fact that I'm not drinking enough water. so I'm dehydrated and I'm bloated. I'll pick up a gallon before I go do my errands today.

Hitting it hard!!

Good run this morning. Time to hit the books for the rest of the afternoon. Going to try to get ahead. Might try to squeeze on a nap, but who knows....