Stuck

SO....I'm stuck at home tonight after paying my money to go to the conference. I am really trying make the best out of tonight by playing board games with the kids. I also worked on my home work and now I'm about to light the fire place and watch a movie. Dinner is in the oven and the kids are drawing for now. It's not the end of the world and I know I am not the only single mother who has made plans and had them crumble. I DO however plan on isolating myself even more now.....Time for fire and wine....on this rainy evening. Here's a video i just made and posted to my YouTube. I made a memorial for my father. His birthday is coming up....Yeah....okay...time to go...

Memorial for my father

AaGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! :'(

There is nothing I hate more than for people to say that they will help me, then change it up. So, I find it ironic that I'm in the same state of mind I was this time last year. I'm on my own. No help from anyone, just empty words. Okay so my mother was supposed to watch the kids today and tomorrow. But when I call her she even goes as far to say that the freeway is closed...REALLY!!! I have a ticket to go to the women's conference at church tonight, and it seems I've wasted my money. I have no one! I'm absolutely on my own. By myself!!! No help what so ever. With that said I'm shutting EVERYONE out!!!! EVERYONE!!! I may even change my cell number. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm done!

It's raining, it's pouring

Love this weather, it relaxes me. Bad part is. I have to go out in it. It's supposed to be gone tomorrow, so if it's still raining tonight, I'll get the fire cracking. I'm extremely tired, but there is plenty to do.  So I better get my butt in gear.

What a change

I feel terrible..this is going to be a tears on my pillow night. Its a combination of, heartache, loneliness, depression etc. I'm just ready to go to sleep.

Things to do

Pretty good day so far, I got my essay completed and some of the work from another class. I had been thinking about taking on some projects. The first is one is painting my son's old toddler bed. He has a regular bed, but he didn't like to sleep in it. So I got the idea to put his toddler bed back together but I'm going to paint it first. Spider-Man themed. I bought the spray paint and I also bought some to paint my older daughters needs as well. There beds are much older do they are going to need some TLC. I have to figure out a way for the kids to help. I'll probably have them sand the pieces. That should teach them patience. I have a lot of little projects in my head. We will see how they go. Okay, time to start dinner and get this house clean. To be continued......

P.M.S does not stand for.....Pretty Mellow Sister!

I had a very serious issue the concerning the kids today, I literally had to call in reinforcements. It takes a village to raise a child, and I have four. I realize that I have to slow my life down drastically and take baby steps with them on every level. I am already a hands on mother but I need to be even more hands on. Right now I am helping my two oldest with their homework, and we have lots to do. I am trying to get them to use their brains and think creatively, and it is taking a lot out of me. I have to make a mental note to look up some exercises I can do to help them focus and think. Other than that, I have to finish my essay tomorrow along with some other homework. Then we have church in the evening and prayer meeting. I am looking forward to both. My emotions have been on red alert and I have had interactions with some people that I probably shouldn't have. I'm not the only one, however I can not take comfort in that thought. Once said words can not be taken back and all you can do is apologize, which I did. I have been more down than up which is to be expected given the circumstances, put on top of that being bloated and that night I said those choice words to folks I had more than my usual glass of red wine that night. No excuse though, no excuse. I am taking the necessary steps to be a better me, and have my children be better versions of themselves.

Love is not

Reading my latest book I came across this....how very true.

Wrecked

I'm experiencing a great deal of conflicting emotions. I'm literally all over the place. I have new views on men, love, life, and happiness. I needed to take some time to figure all this out. My kids have no father. Being a single parent, a student, a woman period is starting to wear on me. I am wondering how I am going to find a mate to incorporate into all of this. I'm beginning to lose my faith in men. Black men especially, they are tyrants, and predators. They are distant, and callous, insensitive, and emotionally retarded. What could my future possibly hold in male form. I don't want to give my heart to another man. I'm not attracted to women so that's not an issue, but I feel empty, and that's not good. I'm praying God shows me where I'm going wrong.

I'm gone

Time to disappear for a while.....

Lord help me

I'll be okay, if I say it enough, I'll believe it....eventually. why do I keep letting my heart get trampled. Why do I submit myself to pain. Scripture says, people who love you will put themselves in harm's way....maybe that's why.

This is where I am

I'll be okay.....

Let the games begin

Just started the process of trying to find a new house to move to in 2 months. I am beginning to ask myself why am I moving in the first place. It WAS so that the kids could be closer to their father, but that bridge is burnt. Then I wanted to be closer to my lil love interest.....but that bridge is burnt. So now what....A new start is always great. I WILL be closer to possible jobs, and I am ready for that police department job :). Okay so yeah.....i'll move. I'm looking on craigslist and I am not seeing much in my price range. Better consult the man upstairs before I go any further. Prayer time.....ill be back..

Thus far

I'm having a pretty good day. Got about half way through my essay, and now I'm rewarding myself with a LONG overdue pedicure. I've been trying to do my own feet for a while now. I'm beginning to feel like there are just SOME aspects of female grooming that should not be sacrificed. Considering I do my own hair and my make up is inexpensive.....I should be allowed this luxury :-), I must say she has her work cut out for her though.....I'm going to be here for a minute.

Going in...

I have a week to write my essay for health class. Lord willing I'll get it done today. I made it up to the school, I think this was a great idea. I don't have all the distractions of home. I should be able to focus a lot better.

Blue yet Red

Up before the kids enjoying quite time, my mind or my heart rather ...ran on my love from summer. My head still spins from it. Despite his faults, even being broken as well, I keep him in my heart. As the days went by though we grew apart. He began to give me lesser of himself. When I sit and think about it though, things were intense. We're both earth signs and the connection could get a bit overwhelming. Not for me though, for me the connection was beautiful, it was dangerous though, because it became crippling. His smile......sweet softness of his smile. The love in his eyes when he looked at me.......I can't imagine he faked all of that. I'm one who is moved by her emotion. I sent him a small note, he should understand what it means. Wow.....time to get the kids up. I need to get away from the house. I think I'll go study on campus today......

Here I go...

Kids are down for the night, and I'm on my YouTube fix. I'm watching relationship videos and sometimes I really feel like I might be on my own for quite a while. There are too many rules involved. So I'll just enjoy life for what it is right now, and hope for what it can be. I'm seriously on one tonight, brain is working overtime!

:-(

Starting to get depressed. Almost at church and I really don't feel like going. Lord help me get through this dark cloud.

Mercy!!!!

Top of the morning. I had to get my butt up and write this one on the computer. SOOOOO Last night all heck broke loose. I had to sit my children down and tell my children that they probably wont see or hear from their father for a while. SO this fool, had the nerve to tell me that the only reason I am mad is because I still want to be with him and I frustrated because I cant do so without looking bad. WTH!!!! Okay so I feel NOTHING because you barely call the kids, I feel NOTHING, that you wont lift a finger to help me provide for them, and I REALLY CANT be mad that you have not taken them off my hands in going on two months now. I am besides myself with anger. Some nerve this man has!! Narcissistic much, I'd say that's affirmative. Why would I want a man that is not taking care of his responsibility?? All that love and devotion that I DID feel once before has long since left. I have absolutely no desire to be with this man and the thought of him touching me makes me want to vomit!! So I am officially DONE, I give up. I'm not pressing the issue of being a better father to the children anymore. It is what it is at this point. I am going to do the best I can to raise responsible children. If I am not blessed to remarry by the time my son is around 13, I will be putting some serious thought into sending him to live with my brother so that he can become the best man he can be. This is by far not the end for my children and I. I am laughing so hard right now. The devil is really using this fool to shake me up, but I shall not be moved!! God said help folks, but He never said to let them take advantage of you. I'm going to go lay back down before church, I have a lot to do today. Glory to God, my children and I will be okay. Thank You Jesus for being a husband to me in my season of one and a father to my children. I think I need to find activities for them to get involved in. I am going to look into girl scouts and some other programs. Be blessed!!

We made it

At the lake with the kids trying to enjoy my Saturday afternoon. It's really peaceful out here. I packed up the cooler full of goodies and the plan was to stay out here most of the day. But the bathrooms are closed. So we're reduced to using porta potties. So I plan to cut this trip short. It is refreshing though...

It don't take a lot...

I'm so irritated! I think I will just stay to myself for a while. I need to cut everyone off. AGAIN!! So this person....whom I was all sentimental about last night, has once again made me remember why I decided to keep my distance in the first place. The thoughts...when I had them were beautiful. I doubt I'll ever let them back in.

It's morning time!

My goodness...I'm awake. I just want to lay in my bed. But I.have already told the kids we'd go hiking. Lord have mercy on me today. I want to have a blessed day with my children. We're going to fill up the cooler and go on our journey. Better get up and at it. To be continued.....

Love

Got most of what I set out to do today done. Did the lawn work, totally cleaned out my car. It's a blessing to have one, so I'm going to take better care of it. If like to take the kids out tomorrow, we shall see how it goes. I was feeling pretty good for a while, but now I'm a bit down. Earlier I was thinking about a friend....acquaintance of mine. Mostly thinking of his smile and his eyes. I thought for a minute and then shook it off. Yesterday during prayer meeting I prayed for the man God is preparing for me. I prayed that he is learning to lean on God and when we meet, I hope that our hearts know that the waiting is over. Watching a movie tonight, I saw a familiar scene. Husband and wife in bed, wife is distracted, husband reaches out for intimacy, wife turns him down. I lived that for many years. And when I watched that scene I said NEVER AGAIN! I can't share my bed with a man I cannot connect with. I don't ever want to have my husband reach for me and I can't give myself to that moment of intimacy. I really need some work, some healing. I have given my body but have yet to experience giving my heart, my trust. Not have I been able to receive the heart ourt trust of a man. I am experiencing slowly the love of God, and I hope that though Him one day I can experience love on another level. Right now there is to much fear in me. I will heal, I will love again. I will for once experience oneness the way God created it. Deep thinking tonight. Be blessed!

This isn't the common cold

I'm almost certain I have sinusitis. There's a mucus blockage right behind my nose in my throat. I can breath, but I feel it each time I swallow. I plan on taking an expectorant...."cough medicine" to help me get this stuff out. After that I should feel good as new. 20 mins till I have to get up, so I'll just lay here till then. I have one errand to run I believe, so I will do that before I pick up the kids. Rest and needs for me today, at least until I pick up the kids.

And now.....

I feel terrible, like I'm coming down with a nasty cold. Okay so the background interview is done, now I wait. Hopefully I will hear from them soon. I'm super excited about bible study tonight. Right now I'm just resting, drinking fluids and eating soup. Can't afford to get sick, or stay sick. God is definetly moving, I'm happy to be an example of His love and kindness. I pray and hope to one day know Him on a deeper level, and to be able to trust Him  and serve Him as He deserves.

Watch God work

Sitting outside the police department on my car among just received am email from the postal service saying the are no longer pursuing me as a candidate. I've been saying which ever one he blesses me with will be the one. I don't claim to know all of how God works but I really feel in my spirit that I am walking in His will for my life right at this moment. Both the post office and so cal Edison turned me down. Good is up to something. Even though I know I need not fear, I am a bit  frightened. The fear of the unknown. But I am here, so I'll read my book until 15 til and then next blog will be after. God is good. Pray for me :-)

I think I may throw up!

I barely slept last night despite being in bed way early. So today is the day I go do my background interview. I have no idea what that entails. Some have said that it will include a polygraph. Now I am feeling ill, I have developed a cough and I have indigestion. All symptoms of stress i guess. Oh well, I have on my "hire me" clothes, I'm not sure if I was to dress in formal interview ware or not so I just did. SO not only am I sick and tired, I'm having stomach troubles as well. If I do well on this step it is nothing that can be contributed to me. I'm a wreck right now and I only want to get the process over with. I pray and believe that God has a plan for me, and that He has gone ahead of me and turned things in my favor. Instead of being worried, I am going to praise God and thank Him all the way in and out of the police station. God's glory will be magnified in my weakness today, and rightfully so. Thank you Lord for letting me be an example of your grace, and goodness. To any who may read this, know that something within me has been trying to talk me out of this for weeks. I believe in God and His promises to His people. I believe He wants to bless us, It's just that sometimes we get scared, discouraged, or talk ourselves out of our blessing. Even in my fear I choose to continue to move forward, knowing He will guide me and open doors for me, Like a REAL gentlemen should. Be blessed, and whatever you think you CANT, know that through God YOU CAN!!

Just don't know

I need to get some sleep, but I'm wide awake. I'm watching a movie on Netflix. Frustrated, feeling some sort of way...

night night

My day has come to a close. I read a few chapters of my book, and now I'm ready to go to bed. Last night I asked God for comfort, I was feeling very low. Now I feel renewed. I feel confident in His promise on my life, I feel confident I will get this job, I feel confident God will complete his work in me. I no longer wish to live as a slave to instant gratification. I want to experience the joy of each day, hour, minute and second. I am learning who God is and I'm growing fonder of Him each day. Good night

Progress

What a busy day I've had. It started off with me feeling defeated. But after getting all my errands ran and a nice portion of my homework done, I felt pretty good about myself. I can't hone and tiger children and I cleaned the kitchen and then cooked dinner. We had a wonderful family meal together and now everyone is washed up for bed and we are watching the biggest loser and having popcorn. I'm feeling tired, and I think or I hope that I will get more than 5 hours of sleep tonight. I'm shutting the kids down at 7:30 as usual, taking nice hot shower and calling it a night. I picked up both the books from the library, plus the two books I ordered from Amazon came today. I also got the bible I ordered for the girls. Thank you Jesus! Can't wait til bible study on Thursday night. Be blessed :-)

Available

Sometimes I feel like God tells me to "be still". I struggle with those times, as a mother I pride myself on getting lots done in little time. It just dawned on me, that He might want me to be still so that I am"available" to be used by Him in some way. That I'd otherwise be to busy to recognize. I will shut my life down for a man I think I love, but not for my creator? Food for thought, up thinking.

Today thus far....

Okay!!! So I got my daughter's hair combed, and now I'm watching the biggest loser on Hulu with the kids. Still don't feel like cooking, so it's GOFER night by executive decision. GO FER WHAT YOU KNOW, two children have chosen ramen noodles, they other two have yet to decide...bedtime for them is not that far away....

That fast

I kid you not I'm ready to scream! Got up to start the laundry and the clothes I folded when I clean out my youngest daughter closet are mixed in with the dirty clothes. I KNOW.nobody wore them because I have been picking out everyone's clothes all week. Such things as these are the very straws that break the camels back! I added to the list having to wash and comb my oldest daughter's hair which has not been done in two weeks....I feel like crying. I have so much to do that I don't want to do any of it.

Thank You Lord!!!

So.....I finally finished the 25 page background package for the police department job. I have prayed on it and plan to schedule my appointment for sometime this week or next week. I also completed the letter for my notice to vacate and some other paper work. I JUST put on some regular clothes and its 4:10 p.m. I need to get started on dinner, but I have used the bulk of my mental energy to complete those forms. I am trying to figure out a way to have the kids cook. I defrosted chicken wings and I have this big bag of french fries. It's either fry everything to make it go faster...or bake everything, to make it easier. There is so much noise in my house. I need to do some of my reading for Health....I just may wait until tomorrow to cook the chicken and have them make sandwich's tonight. I made a nice breakfast for everyone this morning, and I am pooped. I just want to relax. I am trying not to put off any more stuff. Trying to get my business in order. My mind is working in overdrive. I still have to make sure all the uniforms are washed and do my homework. I am grateful that God is so merciful and good. Everything will work out in its on time.

Breakdown

I promise I love my kids, but sometimes I just really need a break. I get into a bad head space where I begin to neglect certain things because I can, therefore creating more chaos in my life. Take for instance, the children have not seen their father in a little over a month, maybe longer...I stopped keeping track. In that time frame he has called them maybe 3 times but has called and text me close to 200 times. Cause I can not neglect my children, I tend to neglect other things like bills, school work, appointments etc. I really need some me time. AWAY from my children. I have fantasies of having a night away to myself in a room with nothing but silence. Forgive me if I sound like i am complaining. I am pissed at myself for making such a bad choice of father for my kids. He wants to control me, his lack of power over my life and emotions are making him do and say things that hurt me. The only weapons I have are prayer and ignoring him. Which is what I will do. It's bringing me down man. I WILL get through this though. It will not always be like this.

Right Quick

Had a great day. The kids and I got  majority of the house clean and all the laundry folded and put away. I was supposed to have a meeting at church today, but it was canceled and know one made me aware. No worries. Came home to continue the cleaning process and then went to spend time with my sister. We took the kids to the park where we witnessed a female duck get violated by a group of male ducks......Not exactly what I expected. We had a bite to eat, watched a little television and then made the long drive home. I am glad we got out of the house. Now here I am again....in bed. I have been neglecting a few of my administrative responsibilities around the house. I have YET to give my notice that I am moving, and I need to completed the background paperwork so that I can get through the next step with the sheriff's department. I have already started talking myself out of going any further with this job, but I know that the God I love can and will open the right doors for me as long as I don't stop walking and believing. What a wonderful thought to end my night on....Time for doughnuts in bed. Be blessed :)

Luv DaY!

Today started of rough, smoothed out, and then got rough again. I've been having discipline issues with my children. I think I am the problem. My style of parenting is if the chores are done and the homework is complete and there are no issues at school, then there is no reason for me to say no to any reasonable request. As of late, the children have been blatantly going against my rules. Rules such as no back talk, no running in the house and so on. This morning I told my oldest to find a pair of jeans to go with her uniform shirt. I have been out of it, and did not get much sleep last night. She brings me a pair of stretch pants and I look her in the eye and said, those are not jeans. Get a pair of jeans and hurry or else we wont have time to stop at the store before school. They all wanted to take a treat to school for their class, so I figured we'd pick something up on the drive to school. In the hustle and bustle of trying to get everyone out the door and make sure they did not forget anything I did not realize she had on the pants I specifically said no to. When I seen she put them on anyway....I was furious. They got a 15 minute lecture last night about not listening and doing what I ask of them. So I drove back home, had her change and did not allow her to take the cookies to school. The pants she defied me for had holes in them and were seriously faded. Those are pants for play, and considering I do all the laundry around here, I should know what I am talking about when I say not to wear something. ANYHOO, after that I proceeded to drive to the campus of my college, they had asked me to come in because I am formally changing my major.....Campus was closed today.....WTH?!? I was already really tired. So I just came home and rocked myself to sleep on the couch. Woke up about noonish and got all purdy and headed out on my HOT date. Went to see "About Last Night," which was pretty funny. Afterwards, headed to a sushi spot I frequent for a few rolls and a Asahi. I had a great time, all by myself! Picked up the kids and the rest is history. Now I'm sitting in the dark, in my room trying to figure out if I should go discipline the kids for not settling down like I said. Bedtime was 2 hours ago!!!!!! All I want is a little peace and quiet.....

Crisis Mode...

I have recently came to the conclusion that the best method of growth is for me to be completely honest with myself. Much like an addict, there is no hope of change until you admit and accept the truth. So I am dealing with some thing that I have decided to come clean with myself about. This doesn't mean I have to tell the world, but I have decided to confront it head on. Not hide from it, deny it, ignore it or anything of the sort. I am going to admit it to myself, and then figure out what to do. Next topic....I decided to take a trip to visit my uncles in Philadelphia. I am trying to pen down just when exactly will be the right time and how long I want to stay. I spoke to my uncle and he pretty much gave me an open invitation. Just let him know when and someone will be at the airport waiting for me. I am thinking I should buy my plane ticket after I have my appointment with the Sheriff's department. Speaking of which, I received an email today with a link to a 25 page background form that I have to fill out and take with me to a 1-2 hour interview on the information I provide. I have a few days to work on the form, but once I am done with the whole process I will buy my ticket and take off. Probably leave on a Thursday night, and return on a Monday evening. We shall see.....Time to journal now.....TTYL. Be Blessed!

Awake

I can't sleep........blah!

The results are in.....

This weekend did not go at all how I thought it would go. I was very overwhelmed and spent most of it in my room. I took the kids to church Sunday and to buy shoes afterwards. Then we were hungry so we went to our favorite Chinese place across the street. Tell me, WHY did two of my girls...the oldest and the youngest both spill large drinks. After the first one I was like...Okay, let's switch tables. We're kind of regulars there so the woman didn't mind. But it set me off!!! I really had planned to spend a nice 3 day weekend having fun, fun, fun with my children. Instead I screamed and lectured and sulked for the bulk of it. I am in my own little world. No one really calls me, and right now I feel like talking. I called my cousin to catch up, but the 3 hour time difference will probably keep us playing phone tag. I will try tomorrow. So it is just me.. I finally got email results from my interview. It said, "Congratulations" You have been added to the eligibility list. So I will be contacted by the hiring department for yet another interview. I am taking my test for the post office tomorrow. We shall see where that leads.....I still have this vision, this dream in my heart. I do not doubt that it will happen. I'm beginning to feel down again. I need some form of interaction with another human being. Sadly, I have no one to reach out to.....Oh Great....now I am depressed.

Interviewed Today

I got through my interview like a champ. Glory to God!!! It was 3 of them and one of me. I didn't stutter, I answered each question thoroughly and completely. I'm not sure what the next step is. I imagine they will do my background check, either way I am waiting for an email....There is a lesson in this. I won't say what it is just yet, but I believe it has a lot to do with patience. I'm grateful for the opportunity I received today, now it is time to get dinner finished, do a little homework and then go get the kids...Tomorrow is Friday!!! There is no school for the children on Monday so I get an extra day. It would be nice if they were going to spend time with their father, but I am sure I can figure out something to do with them.

Blessings to all....

I am not amused....

I've been trying to get some of my school work done. The task has proven to be futile. There is no reason for me to even try to get anything important done while the kids are awake or in the house. Tomorrow I wont have time. Interview in the morning with an errand to follow. Once I pick up the children, I will have only enough time to feed them and then off to bible study we go. I woke up feeling a lot better. I had a long conversation with my cousin last night. Everything he said meant so much to me. A lot of it I repeated to myself all day. I think i'll do a little research on interviewing questions and then try to relax. I purposely have avoided reading the rest of my book. I'm not ready for it to end. I have learned so much from this book. I can't wait to read the next one. Alrighty then.....God Bless!!

Better

Good morning,
I am feeling better. I am so blessed to have people willing to speak love into me and pray for me. Had a long talk with my cousin last night. Had a great conversation with my friend yesterday. I believe God heard my prayers and spoke through them. I don't need millions of people to pour into me. I had not talked to my cousin for a few months, it was a pleasant surprise and I'm feeling loved and energized. Thank you Lord for speaking to me through your children. Please bless their lives tremendously Father. I am so grateful for that love. I am not alone.

Overwhelmed......

I should be working on my homework right now. Instead I have 3 kids at the table with me trying to do everything except what I am telling them to do, and one in the bathroom screaming on the toilet because he just got popped for peeing on the floor. He KNOWS better, all day at school he gets up and goes even with the distraction of other kids. Once we get home, I remind him every 30 minutes to avoid accidents. Somehow he manages to make it into the bathroom, but not on to the toilet. I have made it my personal mission to help my children become above average students. On and off I have been giving them extra assignments from math books I bought and helping them to improve there reading and writing skills by having them practice both at home after they complete their homework. Then and only then can they do and activity they enjoy. I have to tighten up my control on things around here. When I give and inch they take a mile. I am entirely to hard on myself as a mom. I do the best I can. Society would have you think that you are no longer responsible for them once they become adults, but let them do something terrible and it becomes all your fault. I have to play the role of two parents. More often than not I am overwhelmed. Their father barely calls or sends money, so it's my show. Lord help me to be the best mom I can possibly be to raise responsible God fearing children.

Struggling

Seriously doubting myself, that differ I had within me weeks ago is but a small ember now. I'm troubled, this morning my son asked me if I was happy, I told him I was alright. Afterward I regretted telling him that. I wish I'd told him Moe of the truth, I feel so alone. I have prayed and I am on auto pilot. Taking care of the kids and just going through the motions. I have a vision of what I'd like my life to look like, and I'm struggling with that vision. It's hurting me, when I know it's supposed to make me stronger. Lord help me

Blue

I don't mean the color.....This morning I woke up feeling down. I shook it off, and began my day. After dropping the kids off I went to the library to do my class work. School started today. Only to find out that I had been mistakenly kicked out of my classes. Got that corrected....Thank You Lord, and came home. I have been sulking ever since. I am faced with the decision of whether to pay my tithe and probably not be able to pay my bills, or to pay my bills and not be able to pay my tithe. I have not done either yet, but I have prayed on it and now I am waiting to be sure of my answer within my spirit. Off to have a glass of wine, then I intend to do my oldest daughter's hair since I didn't get a chance to yesterday. I'm supposed to do mine tonight in preparation for this interview on Thursday. I'm so nerves.....Already. I keep telling myself what God has for me is for me. No need to stress, but the human side of me is winning that battle. When God says to be still.....it REALLY means to be still. There's a part of me that is urging me to rush through everything. I am on chill status for real. I don't know what to cook for dinner, but I better find something fast!

Super Bowl Sunday!!!

Good Evening,

I find myself in bed tonight with a glass of wine. From about 3:30 until now all I have wanted to do is cry. Church was AWESOME this afternoon!! I learned a lot. After church I came home to change and then the kids and I went back up to the church to watch the super bowl with our church family. The whole idea was to be able to meet some new people and be somewhere the kids could play with other children. Also to get out of the house for once. For starters when we arrived, my son had a melt down because I allowed his sisters to get a soda and not him. I don't allow soda in my home, so it was a one time thing for them. I ended up having a battle of the will's with him in the ladies room. We sat down to eat our food and he wanted to go to sleep. After I finished my nachos I took him to the row of chairs and he laid on my jacket and was knocked out. While watching the game I began to notice all the families. Granted they all have their own issues, but still they were together....so that brought me down. I prayed for God to forgive me for being bitter and to comfort my lonely heart. I was okay after that for a while. We stayed for the whole game and then got in the car to begin our 15 minute ride home. All the way home my mind kept reminding me I was coming home to an empty bed, so I sunk lower. When we finally made it home, my oldest daughter reminded me that her and my son had not taken their medicine today. They are both being treated for ring worm of the scalp. In the beginning my son had no problems taking his medicine. Ever since he and I have been having it out (battle of the wills) he's taken every chance he gets to disagree with me. So I got a piece of candy, filled the oral syringe with his dose and proceeded to try and give him his meds. I even had his sisters cheer for him. He wasn't having it!!! I was so frustrated with his stubbornness that I began to tear up. I put my head down for a minute, but I'm sure the kids knew I was at the end of my rope. I prayed and then shook it off, and proceeded to give him his medicine. He took it, we clapped and I got him dressed for bed. I read my bible and now I am here......(Kids dad just called my cell.....boy is the devil busy) Anyhoo....I am really trying to become the woman the Lord wants me to be. Sometimes I feel like I am over thinking things, that the relationship is not as complicated as I think it is. I'm at a place in my life where I sincerely feel like I am being told to "be still". Like the Lord is about to move mountains in my life....do some serious work. To Him be the glory for all He does. I go on my interview in 3 days. I honestly feel to my core that He wants to bless me with this job. I will do my best, and I KNOW He will do the rest. That was my day in a nut shell folks. Going to read one of the last two chapters in my book. I have been looking on amazon for a new book, and I found quite a few. I will probably order one tomorrow. God bless.....

On a mission

Searching for my next book.......Amazon is AWESOME!

Still looking...for who ever he may be

I've been reading this book called, "In search of the Proverbs 31 man." This book is a must read for Christian singles, married and divorced folks too. It's opened my eyes to some of the things I should be looking for in a husband. As well as showing me what my role is, and the right order of things. I'm 2 chapters away from being done. The book has gotten a bit heavy, so I read as much as I can handle and then put it down for a day. Otherwise I'd of been done with it. Sometimes it makes me refer back to my failed marriage, or long for what I wish I had in my life now. If I don't have it though, then I'm not ready. I pray for who ever this man is God is preparing for me.....I wonder about the cycle of events leading up to our union. If he's someone I know already, of someone I'll meet. Then I snap out of it, cause I start to feel lonely, and I'm sure that's not the Lords intention. This is a season of preparation. So I try to see it as such. Pick up the book though, it's great.

It's Morning!!

I'm  beginning my day with a mixture of coconut water, spinach, strawberries, peaches and mango. So far so good. I had a more peaceful than normal night's sleep. I decided that today we will begin getting this house in order for the pending move. First order of business is to go through the clothes to find out what to donate and what to keep. That should be easy, considering I have three girls I only have to go through the youngest girl's closet and my sons. Their isn't anyone to pass the clothes down to so off to the salvation army they go. Next order of business would be to rid my home of all the access paper!!!! There is paper everywhere you look in here. Old mail, art work from school, files, etc. I'm considering scanning most of it into my computer, but I think the best thing would be to find a big tote and pile it all in there. The important stuff anyway. Then we round up the water bottles, broken toys and such and THEN we relax....after running to short errands :). If I am bored enough I just may start packing up the living room. movies and photo's. Finally pack up the old direct tv boxes and send them back their merchandise. Never at a loss for something to do around here. If it is not to cold later I will barbecue for the kids. That's always fun. My sister said she "might" come by.....I'll see about that. Time to seize the day, God Bless!