Knowledge

I learn different things about life on a daily basis depending on whether or not I am paying attention. The older I get the more enlightened I become. I hate being so closed minded. As open minded as I am...I am still closed off to things and people I do not understand. In my defense, I usually sit quietly when i meet new people to listen and to evaluate how much of me I really want to put out there. I guess over time I will continue to grow and become open to such. I forgot what I came on here to write, so I just going to go mess around on Pinterest.

When will it end....

Email after email...It has been 2 years (on the 31st of December) that I have  been divorced, and I am still going through it at the hands of my ex. NOTHING I say gets through. So I decided to just stop talking. I'm in this on my own. Raising these kids is going to be hard, I am going to make a lot of mistakes. The bottom line is that we will get through. I had a nice weekend, the kids are at my moms and come home today. I realized that I stand in my own way a lot. I really tried to talk myself out of everything I ended up doing this weekend. I feel really good that I did not give in though. I don't know what God has in store for me or my kids, but it must be better that what I had. Got a therapy appointment on Friday, I sincerely hope that helps me in the long run. I feel like I have to many people pulling me in so many different directions. But I am stronger than I realize....

?

In the back yard meditating, enjoying the evening air. Trying my hardest to zone out. Went to the shrink today, it's going be a long walk out of this insanity I find myself in. One day at a time is all i can handle right now, so that's all I'll take for now

:)

It's been a very rough week. I am elated...not I am ELATED that this week is coming to a close. Summer is over so someone needs to tell the sun that it is time to turn the heat down. Getting ready to go to school. So far so good, I am about 4 weeks into a 16 week semester. So it's all good!! I just wrote a lengthy email, so I forgot what I was going to say. I guess I'll get back to it later. Have to go finish getting ready for school.

Ho hum....that's what I feel like

School is going well go far, but my mental and physical is suffering. Im depressed and tired and I have gained 10+ pounds. For the past 2 days I have changed, or shall I say...made an effort to change my eating habits. I have also vowed to stop drinking for at least a week and see if I can see a significant dip in that number on the scale. Instead of gorging myself on tasty treats, I eat a smaller portion. I like to snack. So I keep cheerios on me. I think I eat out of habit, it's something to do with my hands and it is crunchy, double win there. Drinking more water as well, some of this has to be water weight. My skin is going down hill as well, I am 35 and I am developing acne. Not a good look. Even more reason for me to stay in my little cocoon. Everything is not bad, and I am grateful to God that I have the ability to rebound. Hopefully I wont be down for long.

Almost done

In the last class of the day. Hoping to leave early. Want to get a pedicure but I doubt I will have enough time to do so. I feel so odd. So out of place. It's like I am not in sync with whatever path I'm supposed to be. I'm always looking for a deeper meaning or connection. Class it's starting...

Blah

Feeling a little down, not to down but down all the same. I need to get my mind right for the rest of the week. I did my hair I'm feeling better about that. Tomorrow I have a geography test so I need to study but of course I'll do so right the test. Okay I'm done, taking my medicine then I'll knock out

Ugh

No meat for a week. I need to cleanse. Mind body and soul. Starting tomorrow, I won't eat any meat...one by one, I'll things until I get back to 157 lbs

It's time

I'm about to attempt yet another diet. I've crossed my danger mark by two pounds. So instead of eating like I usually do. I'm to try to eat smaller portions through out the day with plenty of water. I'll weigh next Saturday to see if it's working. Small changes make a difference!

growth

I realize I'm not taking very good care of myself. I am going to try to give up alcohol for a few days and focus on drinking water instead. My bad habits are catching up to me. I don't tolerate liquor that well these days. I stopped drinking liquor to drink beer. Stopped beer to drink wine, now I'm stopping all together for a few days. I'm thinking I may be in the beginning stages of a bladder infection due to dehydration, that's how I know I quite possibly have gone to far.
     I am trying to see things through different eyes. There is so much negativity within me that I want to do what I can to turn some of those dark thoughts into positive ones. I have experienced so much pain and heartache. I want to try to locate the good in those memories so that I can hold on to some of them. I am trying to roll with the feelings, acknowledge them and move on to something better. All the poison is not gone. Can't skip any steps in the healing process. I think that most people not experience the emotion and fast track to being healed, okay, whole again. Deep pain is usually experienced over a length of time, and therefore so also must the healing process be experienced over a length of time. There is so much that I feel is out of my grasp, most of it is things I'm not sure if I want, if I can have or deal with. Either way I have to experience life, and in those moments, while I move on...I learn what I need. I have some emotional voids that I need to deal with. Right now I am damaged goods. I would love to be in a place where I could nurture a relationship, but right now I need to invest in myself.
To be continued:

Mind's playing tricks on me

I have far to much shit on my mind write now. I feel like I need to regress, maybe separate myself from people. I'm really feeling some weird stuff and I don't know how to handle it. I've been on my own for about 2 years now. I find myself gravitating to the same type of man and I need to know why that is. I like to think that something different would be better but in all honesty I am afraid. I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want anybody to hurt me. My recent experiences have me on edge. I've been told that I am over thinking things, perhaps...

Whatever

Went and got a beer from winco then went for a drive. Watching old Martin episodes now...going this beer does the trick

Time...what time?

I have so much to do this evening its ridiculous. I am about to focus on writing my paper now and then I guess I will get started on Arielle's hair. I don't plan on doing anything great, just going to braid her own hair. Of course this is after I spend time taking the braids she already has in out, combing, washing, and blow drying. Then I have dinner to cook. I wanted to have time to sew, but so much for that. I would get excited about the upcoming weekend but I have to get started on my research paper. 8-10 pages....yeah, might want to get started on that now. Hope to be able to have some fun this weekend as well. Better get to it.

Sleepy time

Good night

Friggn game

Feeling depressed.  I don't want to be alone tonight, but I will.  Im tired of settling for what men want to offer me.  I don't know what it is about me that makes men only offee me the bare minimum.  Text and no phone calls.  Not much quality time or attention. I really don't want to put up a wall that will be to hard to climb.  but it's looking like that is what is going to happen.  Why do we have to pay games?  If they dont call then  you can't call. If they don't text then you don't text.  I'm tired of it.   FINE!  Then ill become a pro at the game then.  I just won't care.

Ugh a little

I'm just a little frustrated today.  Getting ready get the kids, come home,  take a nap.  Wake up... cook dinner.  Get the kids ready for bed and myself  ready for school tomorrow.  Maybe if it cools off enough I can take the kids to the park. We shall see

done!

Just finished my essay. I think I will go over it again tonight and tweak it but for now i need to walk away from it. I will also probably get my business class homework done for the week so that I have more time to focus on English class. I have also decided to fall back, once again. I am tired of having to figure a man out. Either you like me or you dont. I realize all things are not cut and dry for men, but still. We all are held responsible for our actions. I have the courage to say what's on my mind, all it takes is a little acknowledgement. It's cool though. No skin off my back. I am an extrodinary women. I admit I am intrigued...but that's about it. Even that will wear off soon. Time to clean up....

Dating 101

Relationships are so hard to form these days. Everyone is so withdrawn and impersonal. Texting has replaced phone calls, and hardly anyone makes eye contact anymore. Dating is so full of miscommunication it's ridiculous! No one knows why or what anyone is doing . Lord please help me move gracefully through this stage. I'd like companionship, but there's too many  uncertainties. No one wants to say where they stand, and they want you to show your hand way before they will consider showing there's. This blows...

Up

I feel the need for change. The kind you heal from. Tired of waiting Lord, not that you don't know what's best, but I am restless in my spirit and not sure what to do. The more I live, the more I want to retreat inside myself and let time pass me by. Instead I put on my smile each day. No different from my earnings or bracelets, an accessory to hide the pain of feeling so insignificant

Gosh...

I am convinced that I am not meant to interact with the male species at all. For one I feel like that if I can't be me and it be respected there is not use. Secondly..in the words of someone else..." I'm an attention whore." I love attention, and with the world being so anti-social, it's hard to come by. Everyone wants to text...no one wants to call. Texting is all well and good, but if your not putting in work it does not matter. Text me good morning, text me goodnight...Don't let me be the only one initiating contact. I am a lot to handle. I am thoroughly convinced that the man that falls for me will be off his rocker. But I am loyal, I am supportive, I am loving, I am encouraging. I think with my heart, but my head is not far behind. I wish there was a scale you could carry with you everywhere you go that lets you know how you are perceived by those you come in contact with. Especially the opposite sex. I have a habit of the first impression being very inaccurate. Most people think I am a prude, judgemental, unapproachable...when really I am the sweetest person anyone can know. Oh well!

Great weekend

Had an AWESOME time last night. I got up early to do the grass, now in back in bed. Not sleepy so I guess I'll go finish my paper even though id much rather sew. Ill figure it out...

The last of "me" time

Stayed in all yesterday. Time to eat breakfast, go for a walk to clear my head, then get cracking on Mondays homework. If I procrastinate on this...I will end up rushing at the last minute and I don't wanna do that to myself.

Friday.....

I had so much fun last night. Didn't make it in until 2:30 am. Stayed in bed until 11, watched a couple of movies. My mind kept shifting toward a dress Idea in my head. About to try and make it a reality.

Tense

Another day, another chance to be thankful. I'm experiencing so much anxiety and I have no idea how to deal with it. Mind is on overdrive, Lord please help me sort out my thoughts and heart.

Intimacy

Intimacy, it allows you to see the side of a person you didn't know existed. Everyone wants it, but no one wants to be vulnerable. Being that close requires a nakedness that goes beyond clothes. It's spiritual, and accepting. It's, eyes open, it's taking each breath together. It's connection, raw and beautiful. I long for it. That place where I can be me...flaws and all. But I'm afraid if it, because in that place I may find myself. And I may not be who I am....

The day thus far

Another school day missed. The plan didnt work out as well as we thought it would so I ended up staying home. Still have much to do today. Cant really get any of it started until around 10. My bubby still feels like crap. Me, I am still very much in my head. I hate how much I get ahead of myself sometimes. I am seriously trying to force myself to do nothing. Then I start to think, Is that really being me. But then I think well I can wait, hold back and be me over time. Either way, I still don't know what to do. So I ask God about the situation, and now I am waiting. Last time I did to much to soon. This time I just need to be patient.

My nap is keeping me up

I AM SUPER WOKE! I need to take my butt to sleep. I guess I will finish off this bottle of wine and watch YouTube until I conk out. I have a lot on my mind. One person in particular, but things as well. I need to figure out what I'm trying to do......

School started today

First day of school cut short because my son is sick. Thank God for good friends man, ones that will step up to watch your sick baby so that you can go to school. I am trying to change my attitude toward this class. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Rise and shine!

Out pretty late last night, now I'm dragging butt. My fun time won't stop me from going to praise the Lord. Time to shower and get dressed. Have to pick up the kids afterward. School starts tomorrow.

Eyes wide open

Who's up at 3 am....me! Time to lay it down.

pretty mellow day

Getting ready to flex my creative muscle and make some shorts I seen online earlier. I did most of what I needed or wanted to do today and even managed to get in a nap. I probably should of BEEN came in here to sew, but I just didn't feel like it. I was supposed to call my cousin, so i guess I will do that now. I kinda want to go get a bottle of wine, but naw.....I'll stay in tonight.

Posted!

Chilling in the parking lot waiting for an appt. After this I don't have much left to do, so I guess it's back home to sew and finishing cleaning....I don't know, I'm looking pretty today, maybe head to the mall....

Morning!

So much to do today, errands to run, things to sew, house to clean. School starts Monday and I want to be ready. I'll get up shortly to shower and change, then time to get on the road!

Clocks winding down...

Almost that time! Bible study and I am teaching tonight. I pray the Lord washes away anything that might hinder me from being used tonight in children's ministry. That I have the patience of Job when it comes to dealing with the kids and that we all have a nice service. Need to get cleaned up and ready to go. I finished Arielle's dress and also made a nice skirt for myself. I plan on making some shorts later tonight.

thoughts for the morning

Kids are dropped off for the morning and I am getting ready to do some things around the house. I promised Arielle I would sew her a dress and I fully expect to deliver. I have be doing some thing since this morning about what my motives might be for doing some things and I think I should just stop all together. I see myself traveling down the same road I have always traveled and I know where it all ends. Not with my happiness thats for sure. Time to re-shift my focus once again. Things will fall in place.

Getting it right.

Got a pork roast in the crock-pot that I marinated yesterday. Whole house smelling real good right now. Had a decent day today, did a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Still trying to talk through these feeling I am having with the Lord. Been dealing with a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I asked God to remove some feelings I have been having. I need to re-position myself, I am tired of dating and interacting with broken men. Maybe it's time I stop being broken myself. Fully ready to step my game up and start doing everything to the max. Put my all in school and sharpening my "woman" skills. There are things that are on my heart to do more of and I can't help but think it is the Holy Spirit urging me to put my focus on the skills that will be important when it is time to match me with a partner. Which is one of the great desires of my heart. I dont want to be some ones safe bet though. Jesus gave up everything to save me, I want I man who will love me despite the fact that I am a little crazy. LOL. In the mean time I think I will continue to focus on my family. I have no clue what the Lord has in store for me, but it has GOT to be better than what I have done with my life so far.

Blah

Not in a great mood right now. Feeling.......on edge. Want to withdrawal big time. Like avoid everyone and thing not totally necessary. Throw away EVERYONE. I keep telling myself it's just a feeling, it'll pass. But it comes back. I think I'll have a night cap.

Tuesday....

I'm tired! Time to get these kids ready for day care. Then I go do what I do until it's time to do my taxi thing this afternoon. School starts Monday, so better get my mind right!

woosah cyndi, woosah

I am so frustrated with people. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything besides sit in my sewing room and listen to music. Times like this I wish I had a companion, someone to give me that tight embrace or to just lay and watch a movie with. But it is not in Gods will for me at this time so I will not waste my time worrying about it. I am about to cut out this pattern for these pants and then make them. Maybe even make a dress for some of the girls. Just need some time alone.

Emotional

I'm experiencing some serious anxiety. I just finished looking through some pictures that sent my heart through a lot of different emotions. I have been telling God some of the things on my heart. Praying that if he sees fit, to either restore the connection or sever it. When I think with more than my heart I feel there is no place for that relationship to develop into anything more than it was. But then I see with my eyes that face, and I remember what it felt like and I am certain that much was not a fabrication. In my fear of looking and feeling inadequate, I maintain my silence and just pray. Asking God that if it's not for me, remove it from my heart. I am trying to allow God's will and not mine. I am reminded that sometimes no answer...Is an answer, and that answer is no. I'll let the tears fall tonight, and hope for peace in the morning.

Sunday Morning

Waiting for my shirt to dry so that I can go to church. I feel kinda sick. I think it's because I have not really eaten and I really hope it passes. I am also very tired. I want to sew but I need to rest. I was supposed to finish the jump suit I started yesterday but I think I should probably wait. I am prayerful to have a good day. God bless us all

Night

Kids are back home, all sleep. I'm tired as well. Getting ready to knock out on the couch. I had a great two days to myself. God is always so good to me and my family. Lord I pray to better understand your love for me.

This is my heart...

 I almost let go so many times, and God held me together by that last little thread I was hanging from. He took that mess and slowly and lovingly began to put together the pieces of my broken spirit.

Evening Time

It's been so long since I have had this much alone time that I do not know what to do with myself. Do I sew until the midnight hour, do I lay around and watch tv, do I clean the whole house? I had a very good day today. Went to see X-Men and have a bite to eat. Now getting ready to finish up a skort I was working on earlier and hopefully make my jumpsuit. I am so concerned about wasting time. I have so much to learn. Before I jump on my sewing machine, time for a one on one with the creator.

What a day

I'm exhausted! Glad today was over. Bible study was awesome. I'm ready to knock out!

My butt hurts

Just finished my nightly batch of ab and glute exercises. Im dog tired but I did um. Time to knock out.

P.O'd

I am so very angry. MEN suck! they are users, selfish little boys who hide behind being "MALE". Being male don't make you a man anymore than boobs make me a woman. I'm so tired...my attitude is changing, i doubt in a good way. Lord help me see what i need to. Your creation disgusts me by their evil, manipulative ways. even my own.

Feeling TERRIBLE

Up at the kids school, waiting to watch this end of the year assembly. I don't feel good, but I do it for them.

Very busy day ahead of me

So much to do today. I was up pretty late last night and now I'm up. About to get these kids up and out. Time waits for no woman.

Been sewing all evening

My latest creation, I also made a skirt

Almost night night time

Getting ready to shut it down. I don't know what to do with myself. I just made a skirt, now I guess I will make something for the kids. I'll take a nice hot shower and  then keep sewing until I get to tired. One more week left for the kids in school. Tomorrow we have church and the girl's have a performance at school, I don't know how we are going to do both, but I guess we will figure it out. Dinner was nice. I made arroz con pollo. It came out arroz con ghetto, but it still tasted really good. Considering I did not eat as much today, I think I will have a bit more. Still feeling a bit low, to many thoughts. But I am praying and asking God to help me.

Falling way back...

Trying out a new nail shop in Rialto, I was in the area, and they have good reviews on yelp. I hope I leave here satisfied. Never had a man do my pedicure that I can recall. Seems weird...what if he has a foot fetish? I'll give him a whirl. I know this message chair is feeling really good. Time to relax....woosah!

New low

Feeling pretty friggin low right now. I know God will bring me out on the other side of this feeling. It's temporary, I need to experience His love, but my heart longs to be loved, accepted and appreciated by a man of flesh and blood. It's not time. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be myself and still love me regardless.

Happy Tuesday

Just dropped of the girls, getting ready to drop off my son, then my mom, then I am off for a long trip downtown L.A. Want to do some fabric shopping among other things. It will be a nice get away. Even if it is just for a couple of hours.

Memorial Day

I better get up and get motivated. These crunches aren't going to do themselves. Things are looking pretty good, and if I step it up a bit, I could add to my 2 pack rather fast lol. I need to get my butt up, but considering that I don't get to sleep in that often, I am trying to enjoy it all I can. Lord give me the strength to get up and do good things for my body. In Jesus name, Amen.

what a blessed day. God is good.

Dinner is cooked, kitchen is clean. Getting ready to de-stress, I am thinking about taking the kids to the park once things cool off a having them do some laps. I think that will be a part of our summer fitness routine. Church was AWESOME, I came home and got my school work in order. I wish I had some wine....I'll be making a store run for that this evening as well. For now, I am drinking lots of water. Gotta make this a good night.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!

Up, ready to go to church. Kids are cleaning and folding laundry. I think we may indulge in some family exercise  today. I wanted to take them to do laps this morning, but sprucing up the house is taking longer than I thought. Depending on the weather, we will do it this evening. Guided I'll go do my ab work out...9 more days of school left for the kids. Then hello summer!!!! Summer semester starts in the middle of June for me though, and I'm going on campus....ugh! Might try to change that.

The perfect place to be...

Sitting at the park, enjoying this beautiful weather. It feels perfectly spring. Wind is blowing warm kisses across my skin. I'm glad we came, I'd be sitting inside the house doing whatever, but I'm glad I made the choice. I was beginning to feel on edge before we left. The park is that perfect place to be, the kids are entertained playing with all the other kids. Me...I can sit here on this bench and just be. No one asking me 15 million questions. Just me and my thoughts. In loving life right now. I did think, in a fleeting moment that this would be nice to share with a companion. But, at this moment, it's all for me.

A bit of wisdom

Bible study was nice, I had to take more of a leadership role, but it was okay. Now, I am feeling a little blue, sometimes...a lot of times, I replace my pain with anger. Just now I'm thinking, ones no better than the other. Bible says, bless those who hurt you. So instead of getting angry, or switching the sad thought for one that brings anger, I ask God to help me forgive them so that I can move forward. God, bless him. Night!

What a day...God knows what he's doing, he doesn't need my help.

I'm low key losing it over here. My thoughts are flooded with questions. Wondering, analyzing, thinking, contemplating. On another note...I guess I better get ready for church tonight. Lord please help me to set aside myself tonight and to give my all to these children in your name, that they may view you correctly and learn about your word. May my doubts, disappointments, fears, anger, hurt and pain released in Jesus name. Going to just chill until it is time to go.

Another week in the paint

It's Thursday! Thank God, I traded shifts with someone do I'm working bible study class tonight. I bought stickers and tootsie pops for the kids. Maybe I should give them pencils instead....idk. Time to get these girls up and out the door.

what a nice day

Completed a dress for one of my girls, now its time to relax in bed with cup of tea and a bit Youtube. Got  some stuff done today. So today was a success. I did good on my detox today, I drank my juice all day, then had brown rice, sauteed spinach and a piece of fish for dinner. Depending on how it goes on day two, I may not eat the small meal at the end of the day. I dont feel hungry. The tea I will be drinking tonight is dieter's tea, I hope it helps the process. Relax time :)

"Operation Evacuation"

Alright!!! I have got this detox thing in full swing. I have not eaten since dinner yesterday. Before bed I got the jump start with drinking a few large glasses of apple juice followed by one this morning. Once I ran all my errands I came home and mixed my sea salt flush which is 2 QTS of warm water...I just used tap water and 1 1/2 tbsp of sea salt. Drank one cup of that and also have a juice  i whipped up with my "Samurai" (bootleg ninja i got from Walmart) the juice has Kale, Spinach, Strawberries, Mango, Blueberries, Apple juice and water in it. Ill be drinking all I want of this all day and repeating drinking a cup of the sea salt and water mixture every 30 minutes. No turning back, I need to do this!!! Since I need to remain in close proximity to the bathroom, I guess I will finish up my school work and study for finals!! I think i feel a rumble in the jungle (gross I know) wo

nt be long now :).

still up

I am about ready to call it a night. I finished the shorts I started earlier, imma be real cure wearing those. I also did my hair. The short feather thing was cute for the two weeks I rocked it, but now i am back to basics with my short do. I am considering adding some color next time. I guess I will lay it down now. Must remember to turn on the washing machine or the kids will have no clean uniforms in the morning. I just did some research on doing another body detox. I am going to ease myself into a three day detox, beginning with a cleanse tomorrow. I dont know whether I am going to use an enema or just do a sea salt flush, but I need to do something. My face broke out a few days ago and that has not happened in quite some time. Just got of my period and while I was going through i consumed an enormous amount of chocolate. I had not eaten candy in a long while before then. So, in the morning, it begins. Three days of ridding my self of the nasty toxins inside me. This should be fun....I say sarcastically, but it needs to be done. I am seriously bloated and constipated, not a good look. If you did not know me, by looking you would think I was pregnant....not cute cyndi....not cute! But I still look good! miles away from 200 lbs, not I just need to hit the mid 170's so I can relax a little. The bikini I ordered should be here in 2 weeks, gotta be ready cause we shall be heading to the beach the weekend of it's arrival. I will me one hot mama!! LOL

Her

Dinner was great, kids are finishing up. I decided to wait until after our meal for the movie. Half way in I'll break out the air popper and pop some popcorn. Considering the long nap I had this morning I will probably be up quite late. My thoughts have been scattered as usual, reminding me to pray more in depth about that. I'm finishing up my book i am reading on being single and christian. It has brought quite a few things to the forefront of my sight. Mistakes, I have made and continue to make in relationships with the opposite sex. Identifying where those mistakes originate and taking the correct steps to ensure it does not continue to happen. I am still on the fence about whether or not I want to get married again. Some days it seems like a good idea, others days I have to realize what I would be subjecting myself to. I will be under the direction of another man, I will have to cook for, clean for, care for, love, motivate, nurture, trust, forgive, another "Man". Am I ready for all of that. I am a broken woman on the road to recovery, and marriage is a decision I can not afford to take lightly. While I don't expect a perfect male, I do expect someone who is in touch with themselves spiritually and emotionally. Not afraid to give of himself and express himself in love. Until then I lean on the Lord. In hopes that one day he may bless my life with the presence of someone who will except me as God created me. Love me, laugh with me, care for, protect, and provide for me.....

peaceful day today

Just finished a pair of shorts for myself. Just have to hem them when I get back from getting the kids. About to put my meatloaf in the oven, get the rug rats, take them to the library and then back home for dinner and a movie. I thought it would be nice to let them watch television with dinner considering they don't really do so during the week. But then again, that is our time to connect and talk so maybe not. Today was relaxing, did most of what I said I would. Everything except fix my chair, which I may attempt this evening.

Moving slow

Just gave myself a pep talk. Time to get my butt in gear!

Let's get it!

Another week begins today. Kids will be done with school in 3 weeks. They stop going and I start. Time to pull myself out of this bed and get to it. These kids don't wake themselves. I think I will start back running today. Well see how it goes.

What a blessed Sunday

Had a great weekend, now sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine. Church was awesome, afterward picked up a few things. Added another cup to my collection of cute wine glasses. Hopefully I'll come across some champagne flutes. Made the kids some popcorn while the get in 15 minutes of before bed television. Did quite a bit of cleaning as well this evening. I try to get it in when I got the energy. My room is still a mess. Tomorrow is lunch with 2 friends. So I won't do so much out and about. Now to enjoy these few minutes with the kids...I'll probably knock out to soon.

what a wonderful weekend

This week has been pretty good so far. Been having an awesome weekend with the kids. Bowling yesterday, and the park and ice cream today. Keeping my head to the sky.

Annoyed

Trying to get these kids dressed to go have some fun, but its not going well. I'm really going to have to force myself out the house.

Happy Saturday

mothers day weekend starts now. Time to get up and make some breakfast, complete with mimosa's. I've been a mother 9 long years, and with God's Grace and Mercy I improve. Time for a great day with my family. We're going to have some fun today!!

Smh

I picked the wrong time to come to the grocery store. It's not really packed but it's slow moving, and the locals are out lol. I'm about ready to pick up my children and take my butt home. Decided to cook enchiladas. Ill let the kids help putting it together. I've got hair to do, I keep promising Averi...it'll get done before Sunday.

Smiling

I like when things get done...on that note I am going to go eat!

Yes! It's Thursday

I'm up! Time to whisk these kids off mine off to school. Then back home for homework, a nap, and quite possibly do my hair. Probably not the latter of the three, but something along those lines. Went to bed early and still woke up tired.

Goodness

Layed out across the kitchen table. I'm pooped! Worn out! Just plain tired.

So fast

I'm angry all ready. No matter how much I clean this house, I never can get it completely together. The girls hardly ever completely finish a task. I'm annoyed, Lord please help me work through these negative feelings. The house doesn't have to be perfect all the time. In Jesus name Amen.

Made it to mid week

Now I just need to get out of bed to wake the kids...let's get this show on the road.

Eating in bed

I just finished my leopard palazzo pants...AND I LOVE THEM!!! There are going to be my mother's day pants. I want to make a red wrap blouse to go with....but I need fabric....and I said I wouldn't buy anymore.....decisions, decisions...I'm going yo get started making something for one of the girls tomorrow. I better get some sleep

Deep thought...

Trying to cook dinner, clean up, plan my nights sewing project. The kids are cleaning there rooms. I don't even really care how clean they get it any more just as long as it doesn't look like a disaster area. For some reason I am on edge this evening and I really don't want to be bothered. Phone's plugged up in another room, and I don't intend on running to answer is someone calls. These are the times I pray about. Today I went into one of my trip's back down memory lane and it really affected me negatively. I made a point to think that in those times I should pray about how I feel and give it to God. Talking about it isn't going to do much and neither is revisiting it. I need to call and make my therapy appointment so that I can learn some more coping skills that will help me work through the pain. I have some serious control, abandonment, and trust issues. I need to learn that everyone isn't out to get me. Though most may be. When God is through with me I want to be able to be part of a relationship where I am not emotionally tied to the other person's actions. I don't want to always be in fear of them either leaving or cheating. I want to be able to live and love in the moment without always being so negative. I need these inner wounds to heal, and as much as I would love to rush the job, I have to be willing to allow it the time it needs but there is work to be done. So I am reading books to help me on the journey, I have therapy and my meds and I have God's word and promise of healing. First I have to let go of the "victim" identity and find me a new one. All my life I have been a victim, and I can't grow anymore. So I shall move forward as a victor. Some one who went through and came out on the other end victorious. Not destined to live the rest of my life as a victim of fear. Fear of men, pain, relationships etc. No more putting my best face forward. I am who I am, and while improvements can be made, I want to be who God created me to be, flaws and all.

Another blessed day.

Really trippy weather up here. Extremely windy, and cold. Just the other day it was super hot. I like this kind of weather though. I am taking a break from cleaning to go for a walk in the park. This will be my exercise for the day. I love this park!

Tonight's sewing project

My first collared shirt a success, this was supposed to be a spring/summer shirt set for buddy...but now that I look at the type of material and colors....it looks like pajamas. Even still I can't wait for him to seer it in the morning. Then ill knife what alterations need to be done. I was going to make my pants tonight but I'm beat. Time to get ready for bed.

Wont He Do It!!!!

God is GOOD!! I was just about to settle in to start a homework assignment that was due today. Right then I got an email from my instructor saying there is an issue with pages missing from the books and that we would get credit for the assignment anyway. That buys ya girl a whole week. So for right now I am about to get my booty on this floor and make my palatzzo pants out of this leopard print material. I thought about making a dress from it but I think that would be a bit much. At least with the pants I can add a blouse, either red or black to break up the print a bit. I am getting the hang of this, I hope to complete my sons sponge bob outfit tonight to. It's early so the night is mine. The kids have to go to bed a whole hour early since they have been cutting up at bed time. I told them  if they can show me that they can be quite and not play when its time to shut it down then I will move their bedtime back to the regular time. For now, I enjoy the evening. I am happy. I grateful to Jesus for all things big and small. I got majority of my errands ran today, so I would say that today is a success. Right now I have a wonderful breeze coming through my bedroom door and I am relaxed. I wouldn't trade this moment for any other right now. Again...God is GOOD!!

Nap Quest

I'm tired. I have hoped in and out of this car since 8 o'clock this morning. I still have stuff to do and I just really don't feel like it. some of this is going to have to wait until tomorrow. it's Monday and everybody is out here trying to get stuff done too. I'm about to try to go home and close my eyes for the next 90 minutes or so.

Thank God it's Monday :-)

Getting the days business underway. Just stopped at Baja Taco for a bite to eat. I'm starving!! After this back to dinning errands, I only have one appointment today, I just might make it home for a nap!! That's wishful thinking.

What a Sunday!!

Waited until the last minute but thank you Jesus, I got all my homework done, and that included writing an essay. With God all things are possible. My day was....very detailed. Church was awesome, once I got home I was so tired I took a nap. I wanted to interact with the kids more, but I was just to worn out. Now, I plan to do some reading, maybe some sewing if I can't go to sleep. I feel like I am on my way, and I am glad about it!! Tomorrow marks only 20 more days left of school for the kids. Once again, thank you Lord for helping us make it through another school year.

I'm so lost....

Nothing I'm doing is working. I keep thinking I've got it all figured it and I don't. I don't know who I am, and who I think I am I don't like. I'm asking God to show me the real me. I'm afraid to see her though. I'm so disappointed by the things and people I try so hard to hold on to. Everything I think I know, I need to let go of immediately. Everyone I think I love I need to let go of. All that makes Cyndi, Cyndi in my eyes needs to be erased. This never-ending cycle of bad relationships and anger. Trying to be who I think I should be. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I wake up every day and begin to tear myself apart. I'm not losing weight fast enough. My hair, my skin, my teeth, my feet....I find every reason I'm not good enough. Time to clean the slate, start over. Instead of pouring out my love on others, I need to give some to me...

A dress for ny youngest

My latest creation for my youngest daughter. I can't wait for her to see it. I did this in about 90 minutes. The pattern I bought was the wrong size. I try to by them the size of my oldest, then just trace the size I needed on transparent paper. But since this one was pretty much her size I just cut it out. I might make one more outfit tonight....but I do have homework to do...

Worth

I'm decided I am on a date with myself. I tried this self dating thing before, but now I'm kicking it up a notch. Thinking back to Wednesday, I really have to talk myself into doing special things for myself. If I don't feel like I'm worth it, then how can I expect anyone else to. I get so caught up on what I can do for others that I neglect myself. So, with that in mind, I had a choice on where to take myself. An okay sushi spot, where the food is cool and the service sucks. Or an upscale sushi spot, where the prices are a little higher, but the level of service is to. Hmmmmm, what is it I deserve. I'd rather be treated well, than to save a buck. Let's dig deeper, I accept crappy treatment from okay people, when I know I deserve so much more. How can I expect God to send me someone who knows my worth when I don't even know. Ive been blessed to have a little extra money. Maybe God wants me to splurge and treat myself, maybe I'm actually on a date with Him! Maybe he loves me so much he wants to show me how special I am. To say here daughter, enjoy yourself. Don't worry, spare no expense, I am your provider. I will make sure your okay. What more could a girl ask for..

Beautiful Saturday

Had a great experience at the women's fellowship meeting at my church. Made some new friends and sisters in Christ. People to help me be accountable on my walk. I want to be a different woman. Not so hard on the exterior but still strong. Now I'm left with the rest of my day Arndt not sure what I'd like to get into. I know I want sushi, maybe a movie...who knows? I better enjoy my time while I have it.

Long night...

Just completed one of many dresses for myself. It came out very pretty. My only complaint is I probably shouldn't have used a striped fabric. I'll take pictures in the morning. I'm going to make the same dress, sleeveless in another fabric I have around here. I will probably make my pencil skirt soon to. I have one more outfit to make my son. I bought him some sponge Bob fabric today. Then I have a dress to make for two of the girls. Using patterns has helped quite a bit. I plan to stay on top of the sales. I need one for palazzo pants for myself. I want to make a camo blouse to match these camo pumps I bought last night too, I'll probably have to go online for that fabric. We shall see.

Lord help

My mind is heavy... I can't let that keep me down. I promised I would take the kids out for Chinese. I really don't want to drive all the way to Apple valley...but I don't want sucky food either. Im tired, but a promise is a promise...

So hot

It's hotter than fish grease out here. The walls were closing in on me, so I decided to drive down the hill. Theres a discount fabric store I wanted to try. Also I visited my mother. Now it's time to go back to Victorville. The girls should be out of school by the time we make it back up. I think we'll go skating tonight..or bowling

T.G.I.F

It's Friday and I made it through another week, thank God. This is usually a short day for the kids, but for whatever reason they are making it a whole day for them. I still have one at home with me. After some exercise, and some cleaning, I will probably just go to sleep. Still feeling down. Last night I bought 3 pairs of shoes. I have not been feeling much like putting myself together, which is a coping skill I learned. To keep my mood elavated I am supposed to dress up nice, and not according to how I am feeling inside. Anyhoo, the kids are going to another birthday party tomorrow, which will give me some more free time. I have something to do at 11 a.m. but I kind of want to go back downtown L.A. and get more fabric. I found a nice store that has fabric for 99 cents a yard. Maybe it's best I stay my butt up the hill. Get some sleep and alone time. I wanted to take the kids skating, but I guess I will have to put that off until next weekend. I also want to plan a family trip to vegas or arizona. Haven't done the research on that on yet. I guess I should get moving, this weight isnt just going to fall off. Exercise time! I bought a knee brace from Dollar Tree, I hope it helps with my knee troubles.

End of day

Made it home from bible study with a lot on my mind. I really want to shift my focus. I'm so tired of getting disappointed by people, by life. This is the only one I get, so I better make the most of it. So what I don't have a life partner...I still have a life. No more waiting, begging, convincing some man or person to see my worth. I have to know it and be confident in it first. I have been blessed with so much. Yet I spend my days and nights being consumed by thoughts of another man who's only concern is probably what I can add to his life as opposed to what he can add to mine. I think I have the right attitude at far as relationships go, but maybe not all the tools. I've spent a large part of my life dedicated to a man that didn't even value my existence. Is that what I want for myself? Definetly not!  I am a prize to be won because God says so. I am too be loved, and cared for. My needs are met daily by a wonderful, loving Lord and saviour that only wants a relationship with me. Yet I give  outstanding arguments like I'm Johnnie Cochran of how wonderful and loving I am. How much I care and so on. I'm beautiful, and soft and loving and wonderful because God created me, and her does not make junk. So to those who let me slip through their fingers because they felt I was too easy, or needy, or whatever I say it's their loss. No more benefit of the doubt. No more making excuses, no more taking crap. I'm done. Maybe I SHOULD be a little mean. I've been through enough. I'm not signing up for another round of some man's bull s*it. That's it, it's over. After an emotional release like this...I think a.pair of shoes is in order!

Time to shut um out...

I am extremely irritable. I don't know what to make of today. I don't understand how people can say things they don't mean. I bet I am in the wrong for expecting them to keep their word. I'm closing myself off. Pretty soon, won't nobody be able to get in.

Mid day...

Got the kids from school, now time to relax. It's a bible study night, that girls will cook dinner @ 4. I'm getting ready to watch some television. I have sewn q dress for my oldest and another short set for my son. Both came out pretty good. I may work on my dress later tonight. Having a blessed day

Thinking

I am up early...just laying in bed. Mind all over the place. Planing my day and then some. Time to take inventory of the people I find myself being loyal to. I am important...whether or not some people think so. No more accepting empty promises, no blatant disregard for my feelings or time. I'm important to, it's sad it will take my absence in order to make that evident. A world of procrastinators, they wait until it's too late to, then wonder where you went.

Worn out!

I did a lot today. More to do tomorrow. I managed to get an outfit sewn for my son. I hope it fits. Time to shower, read and go to sleep.

Today was a good day

Dinner was great. I made meatloaf, sauteed spinach and mashed potato's. The kids tore it up, I did as well. I finally got around to cleaning my room and hanging the mirror in the back room for the kids. I was supposed to clean the guest room, but I think I will do that tomorrow. I need to wash the linen back there and the only laundry I'm doing tonight is the kids uniforms. I kind of want to take the kids on a walk in the park but I really want to put my feet up and relax. I might do a bit of sewing. I'm so grateful for moments like these. I was thinking back earlier to last summer. All the meals around the table. All the days at the park and at the movies. Bowling and long rides to L.A. I hope to have an eventful summer this year as well. I sincerely enjoyed my time. Here we are in May now, and June is soon to follow. Time flies by in the blink of an eye. It's a wonder why so many take it for granted. I want my time to be filled with love, and smiles and understanding. While I was driving today, I had a little talk with the Lord. I said, I hope to find a man...when it's time that can love me for who I am. In the season of life I am in. I want to be able to be me, and not have to bend to the tune of someone else's expectation for my life. I am really laid back, I love my children, I make mistakes, I love really hard and cry even harder. I go overboard sometimes. My clothes land where ever I take them off. If I move to fast I get overwhelmed. I need a alot of attention, I require a lot of affection. I love long hugs and kisses. I'm a romantic at heart. I enjoy sitting in silence with the object of my affection as well as hanging out or partying. I would like someone who can be strong when he faces the world, but soft when he faces me. Wow, kinda got lost in the moment for a second. It was a brief conversation, I know whom ever the Lord has chosen, where ever he may be...I know it will be great. For now I enjoy my season of singleness. I am being lovingly groomed into a wife and homemaker by the creator of marriage, and all things big and small.

Lunch

I had to talk myself into this but I'm glad I did. Having lunch at Pancho Villas. Wednesday is half price margarita day. This is what i call "mommy time". A nice drink, great food, and the best company a girl could have.....herself.

Sitting

Made the first drop off. Now I'm sitting in the car waiting to make the second drop off. We're way to early and I don't want to drive back home. So we're sitting in this parking lot listening to the radio passing time...still no word on whether or not our visitor will be coming...I guess I'll just wait and see. I think I'll go to JoAnn's. Their pattern sale is still going on and I looked at this Spiderman fabric I bought for buddy. I got send idea for a short set, so I want too see if I can find a pattern for what's in my head. This time is passing by so slow. I'll go to the gas station, by then it should be time to do the last drop.

So cute :)

I just completed the cutest pair of suit shorts for myself. If I could just find a pattern for a corset vest. It's like an underbust vest, kind of Victorian looking. It would go really good with these shorts. I think I am going to make another pair from this pink pinstripe fabric I have. Next up is to make my dress. The pattern sale is still going on at JoAnn's , so tomorrow after I drop of Buddy, I will be going to collect a few more patterns. I wish I would of cashed in on the 99 cent pattern sale. I will make sure to stay on top of the sales.

Ho hum...:/

Dinner is done, everyone's eaten. Time to relax until the end of the day. I guess I'll finish sewing my shorts.

Woo-sah

Took care of business, now time for a bit of pampering. I need this to keep me sane. It makes me feel all girly. I'm very particular about my nails. In this particular shop Im learning who to NOT let touch me. Last tone I was here my fill sucked. I think the lady working on me now is okay...I think she's done my nails before, I don't remember. Anyhoo, I started sewing my shorts. So far the look decent. I'll finish than either tonight or tomorrow. I want to get started on my dress but I must pace myself. I need to finish Arielle's comforter. I told her I would have it done before the end of the week. Time to relax, I'm considering taking on another project. I want to build a bench...after I do that, I may take on building my own patio furniture....sounds like a lot I know. I need to keep busy.

My day is in full swing

Dropped the kids off at school, cut the grass amc pulled weeds. Now it's time to eat and do homework. Hopefully I'll be able to get a manicure today if time permits. If not....there's always tomorrow :-)

Ugh Ugh Ugh!!

Throughly annoyed, time to retreat to the bat cave a.k.a my room. music and a bit of sewing. In 30 minutes these kids are going to bed and I shall have a silent house soon there after. What a day dear Lord. What a day!

Time flies...

Goodness!
Where did the time go? I got my homework done. Now it's time to clean up a bit and hopefully cut out my pieces to my shorts. I need to go by the grocery store to get something for dinner. It would be nice to take a short nap but I doubt that will happen. I have two loads of laundry that need folding, I think I will have the kids do that once they get home. I forgot to get light bulbs and batteries for the smoke detectors earlier, so I guess I better budget time to do that as well. As long as I do one lesson a day I will stay ahead of my assignments. Time to put on some music and whip this house into shape. What a day, what a day! Oh great, that made me think of something else...a few words can take my mind onto another thought pattern.....sigh!

A long walk "Jill Scott"

Another Monday :-)

feeling like I might be strong enough to go for a run. after that I have a lot of homework I need to do. then hopefully I can get some sewing in or at least cut out my pattern. I would love to just get back in my bed and go to sleep though. but there's far too much to do. I better get started, every minute of this day counts. The semester is almost over and I'm having a hard time getting my work done. I need a break. Being sick wasn't quite it. Now that I have most of my strength back, it's time to get back on track with everything. I'm going to try and space out the bigger tasks, probably take on just one a day. Then I can focus on the millions of smaller tasks, like folding laundry and such. I'll see how it goes today.

the proposal

Kids are all washed up and in the bed. Now it's my time to do something I want to do. So I will take a nice hot shower and make sure the kitchen is clean. Then I guess I will go to sleep myself. I will have a lot of time to do homework and sew tomorrow. So I will take the rest of the night off. I think I want to do something different with my hair for a while. I'm commited to the short cut but I think I want a bob for a while. I think it will be cute for the spring, then back to short hair for the summer. I dont know....it's just a thought for now. I feel like time is passing me by. But I wont give into that thought. Early during church service a young man surprised a young woman with a marriage proposal. It made me cry. I did'nt get all that the first time around. I am hoping that if God see's fit, that next time around that I will get a heartfelt proposal. It's not easy to surprise me, so I am hoping it will catch me totatlly off guard. One day I will find someone who loves me enough to take the time to do something like that. I better stop thinking about it now. It's going to go from a warm feeling to a cold one really fast. I think another glass of wine is in order.

I had so much fun yesterday

What a great day yesterday. I got to do some shopping downtown, and go see someone I hold dear to my heart. The kids and I stopped for ice cream and then made the long drive home. I'm very happy I made the trip. Today we went to our ususal noon church service which was really good. Then the kids and I went to JoAnn which had a pretty impressive McCall's pattern sale. 5 patterns for $7. I think I will go back tomorrow after doing some pattern research online on the McCall's website. I bout one for some shorts, and 4 for different styles of dresses. I wanted one for a pencil skirt which is why I went in the first place. I cut out the pattern for my shorts, but Im not sure if I'm going to sew them tonight or tomorrow. Still thinking about my visit yesterday, I wish I knew what to make of it.

Good day so far

Did they kids hair, now homework and music

Me + Bed = ZZZZZZZ

That's about all the homework im doing tonight. It would be nice to sew something, but I feel BLAH! I have stuff on my brain. Have to find out if the kids are still going to Washington. I would have liked to bought my ticket already, but I would like to wait until I know whats going on with them. My trip may end up being a spur of the moment trip. May not get to stay as long as I want to either. Still have not figured out the whole trip to LAX and back to Victorville. My first thought was to ask Mark, but he's got to much on his plate to be adding my itenerary. I'll get a quote from SuperShuttle and see what would be cost effective. It cost to much money to fly out of ONT, so hopefully I will have it all together. I'm tired, and I am not speaking physically now. Mentally as well. I am trying not to make people much bigger than they seem. They are who and what they are, and It's not up to me to change that. I know my worth, and that is something that I have to hold on to. Cause now days folks seriously hope you not aware of how valuable you are. I don't know. Time for instant knock out, and my night handful of pills. A nice hot shower, and between the sheets I go.

This song tho....

Tired

Kids are fed and I am sitting in bed about to do homework. Everything in me wants to just say I'll do it tomorrow and go to sleep. But just like I tell my kids, work first, fun later. The semester is almost over, and if I apply myself, I could get the rest of my course work done over the weekend and be done with it all. I can't mess this semester up. I really can't. SO I guess I will get to work. Sleep can wait.

Questions...

What do you think, when you ask someone you care for a question and they never respond? I've thought this over most of the day. What exactly did I expect as a reply? After mulling it over in my head, the only conclusion I could come up with was...the truth. Tell me the truth no matter how good or how bad. Instead, I was met with silence. But silence even in its quietness can still scream. What IT says is hardly ever good. I have to except it either way. Quiet...is an answer to.

Dinner

Decided to have dinner out with the kids. So far it's been pretty nice. We don't get out like this often. It would be nice to do things like this all the time, or at least every other week.
I'm looking forward to getting in my bed this evening. I'm already ready to go night night!

Post visit...

2 more meds....dang

Doctor

Doctors office...waiting to be called. I'm extremely sleepy. After this I have to go pick up my son's gift from Wal-Mart. His uncle sent him something really nice. I'm still fighting against my thoughts. But I know that's not an easy battle. I hope to get some home work done. I pick buddy up early today. So anything I'm trying to do, especially sleep...I need to get done before I get him. Have to figure out what on earth is for dinner. I'm sleepy....okay time to chill till they call me.

Why beat it mode...

I....have been tossing...and turning...for the last two hours. So I figured why fight anymore. Dag nabbit I'm up okay! You win this round Insomnia, this round. I find myself a little bit troubled. I know I am still a work in progress, so do I even have a right to "want" anything? I am speaking of qualities in a companion. I've done some pretty heavy soul searching. I've weighed my "packaging" (qualities) against the "competition" (women in general). I found a lot that left me feeling displeased. Lately I have been doing minute things to improve my quality of life. Like the whole sewing thing, the lady projects around the house, cooking i've always enjoyed, I'm learning to be a more patient, more involved mother to my children. SO...When it comes to thinking about what type of companion I might want, I'm not sure where or if my desires ever changed. I try to hang on to the notion that God knows what needs I have. I'm not sure If I tap into the whole thought that there is one person for everyone. I think that at the right time, he choses someone to complete the triangle. Marriage takes work. You have got to break wills, hearts, thoughts, barriers, etc in order to make the two one. Back to what I'd like, a kind sensitive man. I dont believe sensitivity takes away from stregth. I want someone who's soft when it comes to me. He would love me deeply. Like the scripture says, "Christ loved the church". I want to feel protected and provided for. I want a safe place to feel vulnerable. I want someone who is interested in bringing out my inner beauty, who finds value in the less superficial things of this world. I like nice things, I like nice places, I REALLY LIKE SHOES!!! lol, but I care for the little sentimentle things. Romance is important. Not just saying roses and candy, I mean walking on the beach holding hands, long drives, eye contact, lingering kisses, a never-ending series of small meaningful moments. Except for the physical parts, I'm sure I can get that from the Lord. But what women doesnt want strong arms to hold her tight and loving eyes to consume her. I started reading my bible again tonight. I cant keep asking God to reveal Himself fo me and not read His word....to be continued.

Post day wrap up

Minds thinking....but not to fast for once. Interesting conversation this afternoon, very, VERY, interesting. At a moment like this my brain should be firing off all kids of random options, situations, meaning, thoughts, opinions etc....But instead is chugging a long. The mind is a miraculous thing, a change of mind does indeed change a lot. Don't really want to go into the touchy feely stuff right now though. The girl's had there homework done before I picked them up from child care, so for the next 30 mins, I'll be giving them their first sewing lesson. I am excited! We're supposed to make a circle skirt for the youngest girl "shuggie" but her stomach hurts so next up is "Pumpkin", I know as soon as they get the hang of it they will love it. I need activities that yeild results, teach patience, and are family oriented. I hope I am putting the right mixture into these girls lol, dont want to keep them waiting, of course I shall document the results.

Dizzy!!

Glory to God, rounds are complete. Not a moment too soon, I was becoming a bit confused on the drive home. I made a wrong turn, and the street before mine looked really foreign to me...freaked me out for a minute. Quiet house, wish I could turn my phone off but of course I can't. I also can't focus right now, so sleep here I come.....if my neighbors friggin dogs stop barking!!!

Im up

My hands are a little shaky, but I am feeling a little more stable on my feet, I still need to brace myself every now and again though. My plan is to drop everyone off and then come home and fall out. There is a tightness at the back of my head where the pain was. If I do to much up and about or have a bad coughing spell the throbbing comes back. My thoughts are a bit more clearer as well. I still feel weak though. I need rest and time. Feeling like I could nod off now, so ill try and do so now. More to do in the next four hours.

Real test

Tomorrow the kids go back to school! I ate a little bit more today than yesterday so that's getting better. I think it's a mental after effect of all that nausea. My mom attempted to redeem herself but that really hurt. We all need to shut off that thing that asks what about me inside of all of us. Everybody has an angle these days I guess. M called, I was thoroughly convinced he didn't care AT ALL! That would of been f'd up closure, but it would of been concrete. Nothing says you aint "**it" like no call when your sick. Whether it  was from the heart or principle....I respect that. He's the only one who called....not saying texts aren't important, but there's a difference. That difference means a great deal to me. I'm drained, my head is thumping like crazy. Lord I know your the one true healer, If it be in thy will please restore me. Help me to see what I was to ignorant to see before. In Jesus name....Amen, and on that note...Good Night ;-)

:'(

I guess I'm that messed up. My mother didn't even ask if I was feeling better...wow. no follow up from M either or my sis. I'm really about to be introverted now. No calls, no text, no show, nothing! They just make sure your not going to die so they won't have to take on any of your responsibilities. This place disgusts me. Everybody gets so self involved.
They ask....am I supposed to stop my life in order to help you....um yeah!! Just like I do for them because I care.

This sums up everything I'm feeling

Sick, sad, crying, feeling worthless. Depressed...I'm very sick, and I feel so alone.

Smh

Chest xray, shots, iv fluids...oh my! What an Easter these kids are going to have. I hope im functional sooner than later. I need help....but folks make you feel guilty about them having to to something to help you. It's just me and the kids!!!

going to the doctor

Made it through the night thank God. Early urgent care appointment. time to put a name on this. I feel so bad not being 100 percent for the kids :(

I hope I get better

Going down hill pretty fast. Chills, body aches, cough,...it's looking more and more like pneumonia. Ill give myself a few hours of stepping up the liquids, it that does nothing, to urgent care I go....with 4 sleepy kids ...:-( life of a.single mother.

made it....

Back...that trip took a lot out of me. i think i pushed myself to had to soon. i managed to choke down a string cheese, and a little fresh fruit. slowly making progress. think im going to try and nap real quick. all my energy is completely gone, and i promised the girls sewing lessons today. cant let them down.

....

Dressed all cute...smelling good....feeling like CRAP! I need to eat something, drink something. After eight hours on pedialyte and Gatorade AND water, I'd think I'd be okay by now. Should I really make this trip today??? WITH all the kids in tow....I don't know. Maybe I should go another day :-(

Closure...

It's that thing we women want, but never seem to get. Sigh...if I could only get that door closed completely...Then, just maybe, I could clear out my head. Tried again and failed. None coming today, probably never.

Time to leave this bed of mine...

Thank God for waking me and my family this morning. I am still feeling like crap but either way I will force myself to get up, get dressed and get out to get things done today. Don't want the kids to feel like they have lost there 3 day weekend cause I am stuck in bed. Wondering where I could take them...My anger from yesterday has subsided  a bit, but I still feel it's sting. People...Why people pretend, I just don't know. It's easy when your pushed away from the begining. I don't want to get myself started up. I need to focus on what I do have. Right now it's me, and these kids!

Say bye bye...

This about sums up a whole lot for me. I need to stop giving people the best of me.

I ate finally. YAY!

Just choked down a burrito. Tried to eat it slow enough to not throw up. I.think another night in bed is in order.

Making progress slowly....

Some how, some way, I managed to get my butt in the shower, make myself look decent. Drive to the market for a few items to help my dehydration, and dinner for the kids. I feel depleted. There's a cool breeze blowing, it's helping me stay alert. I feel like past of my brain it's missing. That spot is what it's aching and throbbing. No school for them tomorrow, more rest for me. Sleepy.time for new soon as I get home.

slow going....

Still in terrible pain, the most annoying part of all this is being so hungry, but everything turns my stomach. I hate this!!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. My head is throbbing so hard. I just struggled through one homework assignment, about to try and do the next one right after I put something in my stomach. There has got to be something in this kitchen I could eat!!!
Lord please take this pain away.

almost feeling like me

Feeling slightly better, but head still throbbing. Body is still sore. Still hungry but no appetite. I am a mess right now. Going to attempt catching up on some of my homework, finally got Microsoft on the phone, she's supposed to be fixing my issue. Other than that I guess it's another day in the bed. As far as percentages go I'd say I am about a 45%, that is pretty darn bad considering all I do on a daily basis. Got the girls to school, tomorrow is a free day for them so that is good for me. I have been going over a conversation in my head that I had the other day. It makes me so friggin angry the things people try to sale to me. If they can keep you in any form of bondage they will. I'm done with it all. Anyway, time to try and get things done.

Lord help me please

Imagine having a whole body migraine. I am in incredible pain. I couldn't even take the kids to school this morning, I was too dizzy to drive. I had a horrible night. Been trying to rest all morning, but the pain is just to much. I hope I feel better soon.

The End

Still a day behind on homework, My dumb Microsoft subscripiton is still jacked up and I dont have the strength nor patience to deal with it. I know I have work to do but rest is far more important. With that said, I am about to K.O. I really wanted to sew tonight, but I guess I wont be doing any of that until the weekend. I might try to get out there and run in the morning...at least a good walk. I made a doctor's appointment to get my knee looked at for Monday....I'm reall salty right now and I promise I am not trying to be. I just want to really move on with my life. The heck with anyone else. It's a done deal. Im about to build a wall to the moon!!!! Let's see someone climb over that.

Just mad!!!

I am tired!! Also, I am angry, I have a whole lot of anger in me. I need to refocus. That is exactly what I am going to do. I dont have time for drama and bull. I am going to get over this!!! Period!

Late night

Up...I have a headache. My eyes hurt...been crying. Thought that maybe I should have a Cyndi date day.
Why do I waste my time on people who do not care enough to care about me? Tired of being ignored and taken for granted. I find myself wanting to withdraw more and more...I think I may volunteer to help with vacation bible school at church. I don't know, I still want to take my trip, even if for only a few days. I don't know how that would work with the church schedule, but I'm sure if I give a heads up, an accommodation can be made. Four more hours...

back on the roller coaster

Here I go....emotionally tore up. I feel like a fool as usual. I am a woman who does not want to regret not saying something that was on my heart to say. Who wants to give love where there is none. I want to fill voids and mend hearts. As I sit here I wonder if I am stepping on God's toes. Am I trying to be more that I was created to be. Am I living outside my purpose? I don't know. What I do know that my big fat heart keeps getting me into situations that makes me feel like I wish I did not have one. Wish that I could be as cold to those who are cold to me. To ignore and overlook...To distance myself from feeling even the slightest emotion. Some people say, "You should never allow someones cruelty make you change who you are." But I believe that the ones who say that are the ones that intend to prey on the kindness of those of us who are still capable of showing they care....Just a thought.

to fast for me....

This day has gone by very fast. I dont really have any time left to do anything. In a matter of minutes I have to go get the kids. Tonight I am supposed to wash and press the oldest daughters hair. I wanted to get homework done, but that did not happen, I will do my best to get ahead tomorrow. Guess I better relax now...I wont be able to in a little while.

Monday hey hey!

Thank God for another beautiful day. My mind has flipped and flopped do much over the past few weeks. Right now I feel content just being by myself. But one lonely night that might change. 

Out with the kids

Decided to bring to bring the kids to mc Donald's for ice cream and to play. It's air conditioned and loud. Small enough for me to easily keep track of them, but big enough for them to move around.
It's funny the things that make you think of certain people. They sell these cinnamon roll things here and it brought back a memory that made me laugh.
Anyway...so I'm working on my second sundae because my son decided he didn't want any. I'll let them play a bit, it's nice to get out of the house and be somewhere other than the park. Wanted to go to the mall, but decided not to. Maybe later this week...

Night night time

Long day, I'm tired. I did a lot. Much to do tomorrow

It's Friday...finally

I'm at the school waiting to pick up my girls. have a lot on my mind as of late.
don't know what to make of half I'm thinking about. Im almost finished sewing the girls outfits. Hope to get them done so they can wear them tomorrow. I've been eyeballing the fabric I bought for my dress a while ago. Not yet confident enough to cut into it. My skills are definetly shaking up though. Just need to get my space better organized. I'm fighting myself on the concept of being genuinely myself, my emotional, vulnerable, self. Then I think why....oh well. I have enough on my plate to keep me busy for tonight.

middle of the week, thank goodness

I made it to Wednesday, thank the Lord. Just got back from to the park to play for a spell. I ordered his cake this morning. His birthday is tomorrow. I may not be able to do all I want to for him, but I will at least be able to give him a great dinner and a cake. Getting ready to do homework and then some exercise.

Another day...

Another one of those mornings, where i don't want to do anything. Well guess what, i have washed and folded 3 loads of laundry, swept out the garage, loaded the dishwasher, watered the lawn, cleaned my room and entertained my son who is out sick from school.....i am ready for a nap, but not before i do a chapter of homework. sheesh......i don't know how much longer i can keep this up. It's very hard to get out of my bed in the morning. Even harder to get myself dressed to drop all the kids off. I hope this passes....there is far to much going on right now. I don't want to think, I just want to exist.

Monday....

Woke.....but I don't want to be. Quick trip to drop off the kids. Some form of exercise, homework and then seeing for the rest of the afternoon. I yi yi!

making progress

Homework done, dinner in the oven, clothes folded, most of the house clean.....all that is left to do is sew. I have this zebra print fabric that I was going to pair with some jean fabric and make a dress. But then I decided to make a zebra jumper....now I am thinking I don't want to walk around looking like a big ole zebra. I don't know what to do now. I might just make the baby doll dress. I am sure I could get some zebra shorts out the deal as well. time to serve these children dinner.

One of those days

I really don't want to get out of bed....

Alrighty then

What a day so far....my kids know when I'm tired....I'm convinced they wake me on purpose....my son just came in and told me....mommy.....I want something...uhh....okay son...can you be more specific. He stands there and blinks at me. I guess that's code for...get your butt up, mommies don't sleep. I yi yi....time to get up then.

Ho hum...

I'm drained...to a nap and still tired. Bout to crash some homework, need to get ahead.

so tired

ran 3 miles this morning, completed all my errands and had a little girl talk..now it's time to pick up my son and I am exhausted. I need a nap so friggin bad. I would try to sneak one in right quick but it's almost time to get the girls. at that point it wouldnt make sense to try to go to sleep.I probably still will, that way I can stay up late tonight doing homework. I've done a good job drinking more water today so far. but we'll see how the rest of the day goes...

Hump day!

I woke up angry today. only thing I know to do with it is to run it out. hopefully I can take all this negative energy in turn into something positive. finally starting to see the numbers move on the scale. I was under the impression that I went too far with dinner last night, but I think since I didn't eat that much yesterday morning that I kinda evened out. I realize now I have to create a calorie deficit with both my eating at my exercising. also need to increase my water intake. I know part of my problem with the whole weight loss thing is the fact that I'm not drinking enough water. so I'm dehydrated and I'm bloated. I'll pick up a gallon before I go do my errands today.

Hitting it hard!!

Good run this morning. Time to hit the books for the rest of the afternoon. Going to try to get ahead. Might try to squeeze on a nap, but who knows....

Morning

I just did a 1.55 mile run. A little short of my usual 2 miles but I have a lot to do today. I'm extremely tired though. I could take a nap right now. I need to reevaluate the things I need to do today and quite possibly push a few things off until tomorrow. There's really only 2 mandatory things on the agenda for today. So I will put my focus on those. The day awaits, better get cracking.

Time to hear the word

Getting ready to go to church after 2 weeks away. Couldn't go last weekend cause I was super sick, so today I go back. Honestly not feeling it. I know the kids want to go, and sometimes it's the only church I get. Im trying to make a habit of reading my bible and praying. I pray more than I read though. I'm going to wear the dress I made with my black blazer. I think that adds a level of class to it all. I have a few ideas for around the house. It's so hard not to get distracted. I've been down more than up. I have to do more research on this medicine in taking. I forgot if it's a mood stabilizer or not...Im seriously dehydrated, sui I need to rectify that situation as well. I better start getting ready...

very upset

i just want to bury my head somewhere, but since I can't the next best thing is a bottle of wine. Had 2.5 glasses in the bottle me friend gave me yesterday. So after that I don't know what I am going to do. I need some serious me time. This week wasn't that bad, but I have had my fill of the kids, and after the days developments and disappointments, I have had enough. I'm cooking dinner right now, kids WILL be going to bed early tonight. I am very tired of yelling...

Whoa as me...

At the mall with the kids. Was looking fire a place for them to play that had clean bathrooms nearby. So after a quick trip to hobby lobby to get buttons for buddy's vest, we came over here. I feel really crappy. Depressed really...lonely, hopeless, one minute up down the next. Im going to try and make the most of this day. Waiting for the kids dad to send some money. The kids need Easter shoes. I may be able to get them from Wal-Mart, but I am going to make sure I check out Payless and Burlington Coat Factory as well. Okay, so that's where I am right now. Trying not to dwell so much in the past, and move on with my life. I didn't get out of bed until after 10....Hope my mood improves. I plan on finishing the vest I started yesterday and working on one of the girls shirts.

Sewing today

Made a dress today and finished my son's Easter vest. So all I have to do now is make his bow tie, and the two shirts for the other girls. I have so many projects going on. I like my little dress, need more fabric to make more summer dresses.

studying hard

Homework time, just scored 100 out 100 on my health quiz. About to take a break and change into my exercise clothes. After I finish my excel homework it's workout time. No pain, no gain. My friend just dropped by and said I look smaller than the last time she seen me which was last week. I may not have a number drop but I do have a body change. Which is great to hear!.

The rest of my day went like this...

Okay, so no baby boot camp today. Wanted to do stairs with the kids but the school was closed. So we went to the library instead. Came home, I sewed, too a nap, colored with the kids, made dinner, ate, watched a movie, talked on the phone, painted, my toe nails....um I think that's it. Tomorrow homework, sewing, and an errand. Let the weekend begin!

I'm tired

Took the kids to the pay to fly the kite this morning. That was after I scrubbed the refrigerator. Now we're at the library, and I'm ready to take a nap. Everybody wants me to read to them. Though I only feel obligated to read to buddy since he can't read yet. My mouth is dry.
I messed to get some exercise in, but I guess I'll do that later. I don't know what to do for the rest of the evening. I want to take the kids out tomorrow, but im a little light in the pockets so we will see.

beautiful day ahead

Great run this morning, I know my body will change little by little but honestly if I wasn't so far into this I'd probably just give up. I set a goal though and I intend to reach it. I keep thinking how depressed I'd be during the summer if I gave up now. I would keep thinking, " If  I had only kept going." Last summer was cool. I got to wear everything I wanted, but I found love and love makes you fat. So I gain a lot of weight toward the end of summer. I called it my winter fluff. Well winter is over and its time to spring clean mind, body and soul. I am going to take care of this body God gave me and pray for results. Time to work the booty muscles now. I realize it is not as perky as it once was. I spend a lot of time in my car, which means I'm sitting and I need to get those muscle burning. Short day for the kids at day care, and little do they know once we make it back home....IT'S CLEANING TIME!! I figure why finish spring cleaning alone when I have four little helpers. Gotta get to it!!

Tutus....

They came out better than I thought they would. Praise God! Can't Walt toll the girls see them.